By Andy Borowitz
borowitzreport.com
TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—The
Republican National Committee has issued the following confidential memo to
delegates attending its 2012 national convention:
Welcome Republicans!
By now, you should have received
your credentials, your mask of Obama in Joker makeup, and the number to call if
you see Sarah Palin anywhere on the premises.
As a delegate to the 2012 Republican
National Convention, the eyes of the world are upon you. More specifically, the
eyes of the liberal-dominated media, who will be eager to exploit any signs of
less than total enthusiasm for our nominee—that is, when they’re not trying to
trick you into talking about rape.
The point of this memo is not to
convince you to like Mitt Romney. We know that ship sailed long, long ago. The
point is to win in November and protect the American values that our
forefathers fought so hard for, such as mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds.
Here, then, is a list of helpful
tips on how to pretend to like Mitt Romney:
1. In previous regional practice
sessions, there has been a ten to fifteen second lag time between a speaker
saying the name “Mitt Romney” and any audible applause or cheering on the part
of session participants. To tighten up this “silence hole,” try to get in the
habit of clapping/hooting/stomping whenever anyone says anything.
2. Here’s a simple exercise you can
do in your hotel room, car, or anywhere. Say the name “Mitt Romney,” then try
to visualize something that you love: a family member, for example, or your
favorite Fox host.
3. Starting Monday morning at the
Tampa Marriott there will be intensive thirty-minute coaching seminars on fake
smiling and squealing led by Flo, of Progressive insurance fame! There will be
light refreshments and amphetamines.
4. Some of you have expressed
concern that no matter how hard you try, even after listening to the Kid Rock
“Romney Rocks” CD we provided, every time you hear the name Mitt Romney you
can’t help but frown and find yourselves on the edge of tears. To you, we say:
“Go for it!” TV viewers are sure to misinterpret a delegate’s full-on sobbing
as a sign of being overwhelmed by love for Mitt (LOL). To hone your weeping
skills, we’ve included in your Convention Welcome Bag a DVD of Michael Phelps’s
mom, Debbie, at the London Olympics and footage of Kim Jong-il’s funeral.
5. Close your eyes and think of
Santorum.
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