By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Following his controversial remarks over the weekend, U.S. Senate candidate Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri) today issued the following apology to Missouri voters:
Dear Voter:
Over the weekend, I made remarks suggesting that rape could be legitimate and that a uterus could think. Today, I would like to offer every woman in Missouri my deepest apology. If your uterus could talk, I’ll bet it would have some choice words about old Todd right about now.
For the last forty-eight hours, I’ve been getting an earful from a lot of you. You’ve said that I’m an ignorant, dangerous man. You’ve said that I should be put away someplace where I can do as little harm as possible. To that I say, I couldn’t agree more. And that place is the U.S. Senate.
I know what some of you are thinking: if we send Todd to the Senate, won’t he be able to do more damage than he did in the House? Well, think again. In the House, I was a member of the Science Committee. Scientific matters that impact the entire nation were entrusted to a man who thinks that lady parts have E.S.P. Electing me to the Senate will get me as far away from science as possible.
But here’s the most important reason to keep me in Washington. As long as I am in Congress, I will be on C-SPAN, where you can monitor me around the clock. If I look like I am about to go off, you can notify the authorities and have me quickly subdued. It’s democracy’s version of the electronic ankle bracelet.
On the other hand, if I lose, I’ll come back to Missouri and be released into the general population. The choice is yours, Missouri. I hope you’ll act like a uterus and do the smart thing.
Vote for me,
Todd
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