If King Donald the Worst Can Disappear Them, He Can Disappear You

 

   

Former Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich. (photo: Steve Russell/Toronto Star)

With no court to verify anything the Trump regime alleges, you could be arrested and sent to a prison in El Salvador for having views the regime dislikes

 

Robert Reich / Substack

  

25 March 25

Let’s say you don’t like what the Trump administration is doing, or you don’t like Trump. You express these views on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram.

You take a two-week vacation in France. When you try to return to the United States, U.S. immigration agents arrest you. They detain you in solitary confinement. They don’t let you contact your family. They don’t let you contact a lawyer. Then they send you to a brutal prison in El Salvador.

But wait! You scream over and over. You can’t do this! I’m an American citizen!

Your screams have no effect.

Sound far-fetched? Recently, a French scientist was prevented from entering the United States because U.S. Border Patrol agents had found messages from him in which he had expressed his “personal opinion” to colleagues and friends about Trump’s science policies.

In another case, immigration agents detained Dr. Rasha Alawieh, a kidney transplant specialist and professor at Brown University who was trying to return to the United States after visiting relatives in Lebanon.

Dr. Alawieh was not allowed to do that. She was deported despite having a valid visa and a court order blocking her removal. Federal authorities alleged that they found “sympathetic photos and videos of prominent Hezbollah figures” in her phone and that she attended the funeral for the leader of Hezbollah in February.

But these are just the Trump regime’s allegations. No court has been able to review this evidence.

U.S. border officials concede they’re using more aggressive tactics these days, which the administration calls “enhanced vetting,” at ports of entry to the United States.

Okay, so maybe you don’t go abroad. You just express views that the current U.S. government regime dislikes. As a result, U.S. government agents arrest and detain and then “disappear” you. They say you’re a threat to national security.

Again, not as far-fetched as it sounds.

The regime has begun to target legal immigrants in the United States who have expressed views that the Trump regime believes threaten national security and undermine foreign policy.

Investigators for Immigration and Customs Enforcement have been searching videos, online posts, and news clippings of campus protests against the Israel-Hamas war.

To deport people living in the United States with green cards or valid visas, the Trump regime has invoked a rarely used provision of the Immigration and Nationality Act that gives the secretary of state sweeping power to expel foreigners who are seen as a threat to the country’s foreign policy interests.

Using that authority, ICE agents arrested Mahmoud Khalil, a Columbia graduate who has Palestinian heritage and took on a prominent role in the pro-Palestinian protests at the school, and Badar Khan Suri, an Indian citizen who has been studying and teaching at Georgetown.

Mr. Khalil has a green card, which means he is a legal permanent resident.

Apparently, the State Department believes Dr. Suri engaged in antisemitic speech that would undermine diplomatic efforts to get Israel and Hamas to agree to a ceasefire. He is in the United States on a visa for academics.

On Monday night, Dr. Suri was surrounded by masked Homeland Security agents outside his home in Virginia, arrested, and placed in an unmarked SUV. A judge has temporarily blocked his removal from the country.

Karoline Leavitt, the White House press secretary, accuses Khalil of “siding with terrorists” and Dr. Suri of “spreading Hamas propaganda and promoting antisemitism on social media.”

But why should we believe her? She has provided no evidence. Why should we believe anything the Trump regime alleges? Neither Khalil nor Suri has been charged with a crime.

Or consider Venezuelan and Salvadoran men who have been detained by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Where are they now? Their families don’t know. They’ve been disappeared over the past week, with no explanation provided by the government over why or where they may be.

None of these cases has been reviewed by a court of law. There have been no independent findings that any of these people constitute a danger to the United States, or even that their views are dangerous.

There’s not even been an independent finding that these people are non-Americans. For all we know, they could be just like you or me — Americans who have expressed views that the Trump regime dislikes.

Do you see how perilously close we are to the edge?

He’s guilty on all counts: Donald Trump is a convicted felon 34 times over

Donald Trump, convicted felon

By Mark Sumner

Daily Kos Staff 

Thursday, May 30, 2024 at 3:11:43p MDT

  

REPUBLISHED BY: 

Blue Country Gazette Blog

Rim Country Gazette Blog

Hallelujah! A Manhattan jury has found Donald Trump guilty of 34 counts of falsifying business records to protect his 2016 campaign for the White House. 

Each charge is a class “E” felony, with a maximum sentence of four years. But before you get too excited, it’s unlikely that New York Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan will impose such a penalty. Any jail time Trump receives is likely to be brief. Frustrating as it may be, Trump—a first-time offender—will probably be given a fine, community service, and some form of probation.

But don’t let that stop you from celebrating. Donald Trump is a convicted felon. That seems like something that always should have been true. Now it is.

Trump has been free on bail since he was arraigned on April 4. With an appeal certain to follow this conviction, don’t expect to see him led out of the courthouse in handcuffs, as satisfying as that might be.

In determining Trump’s sentence, Merchan has to consider the usual factors such as Trump’s age, the circumstances of the crime, and the lack of previous convictions. But in this case, he also has to look at practical concerns. For example, how does the Secret Service protect Trump if he’s in jail? Merchan may also feel some pressure to give Trump a more lenient sentence out of concern for possible violence if he is sent to jail after Trump threatened, “It’ll be bedlam in the country.”

It would be nice to think that Merchan might also consider just how many times Trump threatened him, prosecutors, their families, and everyone else involved in seeing that Trump got at least a small taste of justice. Maybe a few years in a state prison isn’t completely off the table.

Being a convicted felon will not prevent Trump from running for office. Independent candidate Lyndon LaRouche ran for president five times after being convicted of felony fraud in 1988, including a campaign conducted while LaRouche was in federal prison. However, no major party candidate has ever been convicted of a felony.

How the results of the trial affect Trump’s political chances is unclear. A New York Times/Siena College poll in November indicated a massive swing that would cost Trump 14 points if he was convicted. An Ipsos poll in March showed one-third of independent voters less likely to support Trump if he was convicted. However, a Reuters/Ipsos poll in April showed only a 2-point shift toward Biden if Trump was convicted.

Trump still faces charges for stolen classified documents, conspiracy to block the counting of electoral votes, and election interference in Georgia. However, none of those cases are likely to be heard before the election in November.

No matter the outcome in any of his trials, Trump isn’t going to be stopped by a prosecutor, a judge, or a jury. Even if he were convicted of every count against him, he remains a threat to our nation and our system of government. Much as it would be nice to wake up tomorrow and find the threat of Trump lifted without any effort from the rest of us, that’s not going to happen.

He needs to be soundly defeated at the ballot box. 

The most important vote in 2024 isn’t happening in a jury room—it’s happening wherever Americans turn out to vote. The outcome of this trial only makes it more important to vote in this election, and to do everything you can to get others to turn out and vote for President Joe Biden.

GANGSTA!: The infamous mug shot.

Facebook Fires Employee Who Protested Against Trump Post Inaction

Mark Zuckerberg. (photo: B&T)

By Al Jazeera

13 June 20
readersupportednews.org

Software engineer dismissed for publicly scolding a colleague for their silence on the Black Lives Matter movement.

acebook Inc has fired an employee who had criticised Chief Executive Mark Zuckerberg's decision not to take action against inflammatory posts by US President Donald Trump earlier this month, citing the software engineer's tweet challenging a colleague's silence on the issue.

Brandon Dail, a user interface engineer in Seattle, said in a tweet on Friday that he was dismissed for publicly scolding a colleague who had refused to include a statement of support for the Black Lives Matter movement on developer documents he was publishing.

"I don't doubt that violates Facebook's respectful workplace policy," Dail wrote on Friday.

"I'm not claiming I was unjustly terminated. I was fed up with Facebook, the harm it's doing, and the silence of those complicit (including myself)."

Dail sent the offensive tweet a day after joining dozens of employees, including the six other engineers on his team, in abandoning their desks and tweeting objections to Zuckerberg's handling of Trump's posts targeting demonstrators protesting against systemic racial injustice in the country.

"Intentionally not making a statement is already political," Dail wrote in the June 3 tweet, mentioning his colleague by name. He said on Friday that he stood by what he wrote.

Trump's posts which prompted the staff outcry included the racially charged phrase "when the looting starts, the shooting starts" in reference to demonstrations against racism and police brutality held after the May 25 killing of George Floyd, a Black man who died in police custody in Minneapolis.

Twitter affixed a warning label to the same post, saying it glorified violence. Facebook opted to leave the post untouched.

Zuckerberg defended his decision at a tense all-hands meeting with employees that week. During the meeting, Dail tweeted that it was "crystal clear today that leadership refuses to stand with us".

Facebook confirmed to Reuters news agency Dail's characterisation of his dismissal but declined to provide additional information. The company said during the walkout that participating employees would not face retaliation.

Dail did not respond to a Reuters request for comment.

Dail again voiced objections this week after both Facebook and Twitter declined to take action against a Trump post that contained an unsubstantiated conspiracy theory about Martin Gugino, a 75-year-old protester who was critically injured by police in Buffalo, New York.

"Trump's attack on Martin Gugino is despicable and a clear violation of Facebook's anti-harassment rules. It's again extremely disappointing that we (and Twitter) haven't removed it," he said.

Internal dissent is often encouraged at Silicon Valley tech giants, but the companies have been accused of penalising workers who organise and air complaints publicly.

Alphabet's Google fired at least five workplace activists late last year, while Amazon dismissed critics of its warehouse conditions during the coronavirus pandemic.

Both companies denied firing employees for speaking out.

In War of Elton John Lyrics, Kim Jong Un Calls Trump "Honky Cat," "Yellow-Wigged Toad"

North Korean leader Kim Jung Un. (photo: Linda Davidson/Washington Post)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

20 September 17

readersupportednews.org

 

n what some security experts fear could be a high-stakes war of Elton John lyrics, minutes after Donald Trump called Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man,” the North Korean dictator responded by calling Trump “Honky Cat.”

As he issued the Elton John-based attack, Kim warned that he had an extensive collection of the singer-songwriter’s albums and was prepared to weaponize every lyric in them.

The White House immediately struck back, warning Kim that “any further provocation involving an Elton John lyric, especially ‘Tiny Dancer,’ will be seen as an act of war.”

But any hope that Kim would be silenced was short-lived.

Responding to the White House, Kim stated, “I see the bitch is back,” before signing off, “Goodbye, Yellow-Wigged Toad.”

  Comments 

+30 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2017-09-20 18:07

this is classic. The war of Elton John lyrics has begun. It is much better than a nuclear war. Kim Jong Un's father was a fan of Elvis, so moving up to Elton John is good to see.

I sure as hell would prefer to be a Rocket Man than a Honky Cat. The name fits Trump very well. I have a feeling it will stick.

Honky Cat

They said, get back, honky cat
Better get back to the woods
Well, I quit those days and my redneck ways
And, oh, the change is gonna do me good

You better get back, honky cat
Living in the city ain't where it's at
It's like trying to find gold in a silver mine
It's like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine

Oh, yeah

get back, honky cat
get back, honky cat
get back

+2 # Caliban 2017-09-20 22:46

You have to love Elton, but the lyrics in question (and those for most of Elton's hits) were written by the great Bernie Taupin.

+5 # James Klimaski 2017-09-21 02:50

Hope this battle remains only a war of words until the two of them pass on to oblivion.

Obama's Barrage of Complete Sentences Seen as Brutal Attack on Trump

Barack Obama. (photo: Scott Olson/Getty Images)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

25 April 17

readersupportednews.org

n an appearance at the University of Chicago on Monday, former President Barack Obama unloaded a relentless barrage of complete sentences in what was widely seen as a brutal attack on his successor, Donald Trump.

Appearing at his first public event since leaving office, Obama fired off a punishing fusillade of grammatically correct sentences, the likes of which the American people have not heard from the White House since he departed.

“He totally restricted his speech to complete sentences,” Tracy Klugian, a student at the event, said. “It was the most vicious takedown of Trump I’d ever seen.”

“About five or six sentences in, I noticed that all of his sentences had both nouns and verbs in them,” Carol Foyler, another student, said. “I couldn’t believe he was going after Trump like that.”

Obama’s blistering deployment of complete sentences clearly got under the skin of their intended target, who, moments after the event, responded with an angry tweet: “Obama bad (or sick) guy. Failing. Sad!”

Trump Picks El Chapo to Run DEA

Drug trafficker Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman is escorted to a helicopter by Mexican security forces at Mexico's International Airport in Mexico City on Feb. 22. (photo: Susana Gonzalez/Bloomberg)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

28 November 16

readersupportednews.org

 

ust days after picking Betsy DeVos to run the Department of Education, President-elect Donald Trump has tapped another wealthy outsider by naming Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán to head the Drug Enforcement Administration.

In an official statement, Trump said that El Chapo’s “tremendous success in the private sector” showed that he has what it takes to “shake things up” at the D.E.A.

Trump’s appointment of the former drug lord surprised many in Washington, in no small part because acrimony between the two allegedly prompted El Chapo, in 2015, to put a hundred-million-dollar bounty on Trump’s head.

But, appearing on CNN, the Trump surrogate Kellyanne Conway said that the selection of El Chapo should surprise no one. “Mr. Trump always said that he would surround himself with the best people,” she said.

When asked why Trump had readily offered a job to El Chapo while still mulling the fate of another former adversary, Mitt Romney, Conway said, “El Chapo might not have voted for Mr. Trump, but that’s because he’s Mexican and in jail, and Mitt Romney is neither.”

The appointment of the former drug kingpin is far from a done deal, however, as associates of El Chapo report that he is “concerned” that being a member of the Trump Administration would be bad for his brand.

Pence Recaptured After Fleeing Trump Campaign Bus

Mike Pence. (photo: Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

readersupportednews.org

 
alling it a “scary moment” and a “close call,” Donald Trump’s campaign officials confirmed that they had recaptured Mike Pence after the Indiana governor attempted to flee the campaign bus in the early hours of Friday morning.

According to the campaign, Pence had asked to stop at a McDonald’s in rural Virginia so that he could use the bathroom, but aides grew concerned when the governor failed to reappear after twenty minutes.

After determining that Pence had given them the slip, Trump staffers fanned out across the Virginia backcountry, where the governor was believed to have fled.

News that Pence had vanished touched off a panic in Indiana, where residents feared that he might return to resume his political career.After forty-five minutes of searching, however, campaign officials located a bedraggled and dazed Pence walking along Virginia State Route 287, where the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee was attempting unsuccessfully to hitch a ride.

A confrontation that Trump aides characterized as “tense” ensued, after which a sobbing Pence returned to the bus.

In the aftermath of Pence’s disappearance, Hope Hicks, Trump’s press secretary, attempted to downplay the severity of the incident. “This is the kind of thing that happens in the course of a long and demanding campaign,” she said. “Having said that, we’re grateful to have Mike Pence back with us, and we won’t let him get away again.”

Reportedly, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie offered to fill in for Pence in the event that he became unable to fulfill his duties. That offer was declined.

Trump Says He Would Only Use Nuclear Weapons in a Sarcastic Way

Donald Trump. (photo: Getty)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

12 August 16 
readersupportednews.org

 
larifying his position on a key national-security issue, Donald Trump said on Friday that as President he would be willing to use nuclear weapons, “but only in a sarcastic way.”

“People who are worried about me having the nuclear-launch codes should stop worrying, O.K.?” Trump told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “If I ever used nuclear weapons, it would be really obvious that I was just being sarcastic.”

Pressed by Blitzer to explain the difference between a sarcastic and non-sarcastic nuclear attack, Trump responded, “You’d use the weapons and everything, but then you’d say, ‘Just kidding.’ ”

Trump did not specify which nations he would target for a sarcastic nuclear attack. “I can’t say right now,” he said. “But there are a lot of countries that need to lighten up.”

Trump: Mexicans Swarming Across Border, Enrolling in Law School, and Becoming Biased Judges

Donald Trump. (photo: Bill Clark/Roll Call)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

06 June 16
readersupportednews.org

 
nless the United States builds a wall, Mexicans will swarm across the border, enroll in law school en masse, and eventually become biased judges, Donald J. Trump warned supporters on Monday.

At a rally in San Jose, the presumptive Republican nominee said that “making America great again” meant preventing the nation from becoming “overrun by Mexican judges.”

“We don’t win anymore,” he told the crowd. “We don’t win at judges.”

While Trump offered no specific facts to support his latest allegations, he said that he had heard about the threat of incoming Mexican judges firsthand from border-patrol agents.

“They see hundreds of these Mexicans, and they’re coming across the border with LSAT-prep books,” he said. “It’s a disgrace.”

In a line that drew a rousing ovation from supporters, Trump blasted Mexican leaders for their role in the crisis, claiming, “They’re sending us their worst people: lawyers.”

Stephen Hawking Angers Trump Supporters With Baffling Array of Long Words

Physicist Stephen Hawking. (photo: Karwai Tang/Getty)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

03 June 16
readersupportednews.org

he theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J. Trump on Monday by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long words.

Speaking to a television interviewer in London, Hawking called Trump “a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator,” a statement that many Trump supporters believed was intentionally designed to confuse them.

Moments after Hawking made the remark, Google reported a sharp increase in searches for the terms “demagogue,” “denominator,” and “Stephen Hawking.”

“For a so-called genius, this was an epic fail,” Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said. “If Professor Hawking wants to do some damage, maybe he should try talking in English next time.”

Later in the day, Hawking attempted to clarify his remark about the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, telling a reporter, “Trump bad man. Real bad man.”

 

Comments

+43 # RMDC 2016-06-03 14:34

These low intelligence voters who have been whipped up into a patriotic fever by right wing demagogues of both the secular and religious variety are the ones who put GW Bush in the White House. And Reagan before him. They are also the ones who support Hillree.

The American idiocracy runs the nation. That's what democracy has come to - idiocracy.

+50 # CL38 2016-06-03 17:26

What can we make of those who condone what little we know about Trump 'policy' positions that are racist, anti-women, xenophobic, homophobic, etc.?

It seems to me that Trump supporters welcome the reincarnation of a Hitler type to run THIS country.

Wake up! We haven't sunk low enough?

We don't need to experience THAT!

+56 # jsluka 2016-06-03 21:37

Amazing isn't it? When TV reporters ask Trump supporters why they support him they almost always say something superficial (and frankly stupid) like "He says what he thinks, no matter what." D'uh. Like that's a good thing regardless of what he says? I saw a Trump supporter asked "Do you think Trump would be a good person to control the nuclear weapon launch codes?" And the dimwit answered, "He'd be the best, because he would say just what he thinks to the generals." Oh, it makes my head hurt.

+27 # vicnada 2016-06-03 21:58

Quoting jsluka:

"He says what he thinks, no matter what."

...which, if you truly "think" about it, is not true. Trump speaks instinctively. Instincts, by definition, operate reflexively, unmediated by thought or feeling. When Trump appears reasonable or sympathetic, these are instinctive behaviors for which he was rewarded in the past.

Trump Promises Paul Ryan That He'll Sound Slightly Less Like Hitler

Donald Trump. (photo: Andrew Harnik/AP)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

12 May 16
readersupportednews.org

 

n what is being hailed as a productive closed-door meeting between two leaders of the Republican Party, Donald J. Trump promised House Speaker Paul Ryan on Thursday that he would try to sound slightly less like the former German Chancellor Adolf Hitler.

Speaking to reporters at the U.S. Capitol after the meeting, the presumptive G.O.P. nominee said that Ryan had expressed concern that so many of the billionaire’s public utterances were reminiscent of the Third Reich.

“Paul basically said, ‘Can you help me out here? Can you not sound like Hitler all the time?’” Trump said. “And I was like, ‘Paul, I can absolutely do that for you.’”

As an example, Trump said, “Instead of saying I am going to round up people based on their religion, I’ll say that’s just a suggestion. Just like that, I’m fifty per cent less Hitlerish.”

Trump acknowledged that the challenge for him will be to sound somewhat less like Hitler to please congressional Republicans while still sounding enough like Hitler to avoid alienating his key constituencies of Nazis and white supremacists.

“Figuring out just how much like Hitler I’m going to be at any given time is the kind of thing I’ve always been fantastic at,” he said.

Koch Brothers Consider Purchasing First Democrat

Billionaire Republican megadonor Charles Koch. (photo: Getty Images)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

25 April 16

readersupportednews.org 

harles and David Koch, the billionaire industrialists who have spent decades acquiring a world-class collection of Republicans, revealed over the weekend that they are considering purchasing their first Democrat.

“We’ve always bought Republicans, and our father bought Republicans before us,” Charles, the elder Koch, said. “They’re bred to be obedient, and they respond to simple commands.”

He said that he and his brother had considered acquiring a Democrat only after determining that none of the Republicans on offer this year was worth adding to their collection.

“It’s kind of a scary proposition for us, because we’ve never owned a Democrat before,” he said. “We don’t really know what we should be looking for.”

Koch said that he and his brother learned, after making some phone calls, that other oligarchs have bought Democrats in the past, and “had good experiences with them.”

“That was very reassuring,” he said.

But he bemoaned the absence of online consumer reviews that could help people who are, like him and his brother, interested in purchasing a Democrat for the very first time. “Yelp needs to jump on this,” he said.

While acknowledging the risk inherent in owning their first Democrat, Koch said that it would probably turn out to be a better investment than some of the Republicans they have recently purchased. “It can’t be worse than Scott Walker,” he said.

Media Unimpressed as Sanders Barely Gets Seventy Percent of Vote

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders arrives for a rally at the Moda Center in Portland, Oregon on March 25, 2016. (photo: Steve Dykes/AP)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

28 March 16
readersupportednews.org 

ernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy per cent of the vote in three western primaries.

The major cable networks briefly mentioned Sanders’s vote tallies in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii but noted that he ran out of steam well shy of eighty per cent.

“There’s no point in sugarcoating it,” one analyst put it. “Rough night for Sanders.”

According to one cable executive, Sanders needs to “put up some big numbers fast” if he expects the networks to continue giving his campaign airtime.

“It’s going to be harder and harder to justify covering him while he’s stuck down in the seventy-per-cent range,” the executive said.

While Sanders campaign officials remain optimistic about the upcoming primary in Wisconsin, media outlets are calling it a “do or die” state after his sputtering finishes over the weekend.

“I think if he limps across the finish line with, say, seventy-five or seventy-nine per cent, it’s going to be time for him to reassess things,” one cable representative said. “That would have to be a wake-up call.”

A spokesperson for CNN could not be reached for comment, as the network was busy preparing a ninety-minute special on the birth of Donald Trump’s new grandchild.

Trump Derailed by Obama’s Endorsement

Credit Photograph by Aude Guerrucci/picture-alliance/dpa/AP

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding a new wrinkle in an already unpredictable election year, Donald Trump saw his poll numbers plummet on Monday after receiving a surprise endorsement from President Barack Obama.

The long-awaited downfall of the abrasive billionaire came in startling fashion, as few had expected the President to offer a full-throated endorsement of Trump, especially on the eve of the all-important Super Tuesday primaries.

Praising the Republican front-runner during a nationally televised address, the President said that, despite media reports to the contrary, Trump shared his views on such important issues as immigration and religious tolerance. “In every way that matters, Donald and I are on exactly the same page,” Obama said, pointing to a framed picture of the billionaire on his Oval Office desk.

Concluding his endorsement with an emphatic closing argument, Obama said, “If you love me, vote for Trump.”

In several G.O.P. polls taken after the President’s stunning endorsement, Trump sank from first to fifth place, trailing the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson by several points.

As news of the President’s endorsement spread, former Trump supporters across the nation gathered to vent their anger, with some burning signs, trucker hats, and other campaign paraphernalia at impromptu bonfires.

Harland Dorrinson, who had attended a massive Trump rally in Alabama just a day earlier, said that he now felt totally betrayed by the billionaire. “I guess when all is said and done, Donald Trump was just too good to be true,” he said.

Americans Nostalgic for Republican Who Only Wanted to Screw Over 47 Percent of Them

Credit Photograph by Justin Sullivan/Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign of voters’ shifting perspectives about Presidential hopefuls, a new survey reveals that Americans are deeply nostalgic for a Republican candidate who only wanted to screw over forty-seven per cent of them.

In interviews conducted across the country, voters expressed wistfulness and even a deep longing for a man who was indifferent to the fates of nearly half the nation’s residents.

“When he was running, it seemed like a bad thing that he didn’t care whether forty-seven per cent of the country lived or died,” said Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio. “Now I realize we were being too picky.”

“He threw thousands of people out of their jobs and onto the streets, but he let them stay in the country,” said Kent Bantwell, of Springfield, Missouri. “I’ve got to say, I miss him.”

Harland Dorrinson, of Jupiter, Florida, said that he wished that the man would jump into the 2016 race, but admitted that was unlikely. “That secret tape where he said he was screwing over forty-seven per cent of the country would be brought up again,” he said. “The fact that he wasn’t screwing over a bigger number would come back to haunt him now.”

Carol Foyler, of San Dimas, California, said she wished she could take back “all the nasty things” she said about the man when he ran for President in 2012. “I called him a jerk and a tool and a sociopath—and worse,” she remembered, shaking her head. “Now he seems like Mandela.”