Related | Judge orders Trump to halt White House ballroom construction unless Congress OKs it
Ballroom just a “shed” needed to protect a below-ground military complex
What if President Donald Trump’s ballroom wasn’t just an ugly vessel for his obsession with gold-plated detritus? And what if it wasn’t just a way to bribe the president or a way to turn Washington into Mar-a-Lago 2.0? What if it was also … a shed?
Yes, a shed.
“The ballroom essentially becomes a shed for what's being built under the military, including from drones and including from any other thing,” Trump said.
That sentence makes no sense, as nothing is being built under “the military,” so let’s try that again.
“The military is building a big complex under the ballroom, which has come out recently because of a stupid lawsuit that was filed,” Trump said. “But the military is building a massive complex under the ballroom, and that's under construction, and we're doing very well. So we’re ahead of schedule.”
Who is paying for this “massive complex?” Is it covered by the ballroom’s $400 million price tag?
Trump didn’t explain how the existence of his top-secret military complex was revealed due to a lawsuit, but he did already blab about it during a Cabinet meeting last week.
“I mean, now it's no secret, the military wanted it more than anybody. It was supposed to be secret, but it became unsecret because of people that are really unpatriotic saying things, but doesn't matter, doesn't matter. It's going to be great,” he said.
So it’s top secret but was revealed in a lawsuit, so you decided to just tell everyone. Got it.
It isn’t wise to try to divine what the hell is going on in Trump’s mush of a brain, but let’s do it anyway. The “stupid lawsuit” is definitely the one filed by the National Trust for Historic Preservation seeking to block construction of the monstrosity. In that case, the White House has insisted that construction can’t be stopped—even below ground—for national security reasons.
The administration argued in a public filing that completion of the ballroom project “in a timely fashion is imperative for reasons of national security” and that it is “unworkable to distinguish between construction elements that are national security-related and those that are not.”
But that argument rests on classified ex parte filings, which are seen only by the judge—not the opposing party.
So, the NTHP has to fight back against this amorphous assertion that the ballroom is necessary for national security without the benefit of knowing exactly how or why. Things aren’t entirely a mystery, though. In its motion for a preliminary injunction, the NTHP noted that the White House has “all but admitted in public filings that the national-security claims relate to a bunker long located at the site of the former East Wing.”
No problem, said the NTHP. It doesn’t want to stop construction of a bunker or anything else related to national security—just the ballroom.
And that’s where the ballroom-as-shed concept seems to come in. It’s Trump’s dumb, bombastic way of saying what the administration has already argued in court. But anything beyond the vague invocations of national security has been seen only by the judge.
No one else knew that the ballroom was a “shed” needed to protect a below-ground military complex, nor what would be included in that top-secret installation.
Trump’s big dumb mouth is the only reason we know about it now. And, hilariously, the entire reveal seems to have occurred because The New York Times made Trump sad.
Over the weekend, the Times published a piece showing just how much the ballroom design, well, sucks. Like, objectively sucks because it cannot possibly be built as is.
Trump’s minions on the Commission of Fine Arts, in their zeal to approve whatever slop Trump put in front of them, signed off on plans with teeny-tiny issues like “stairs to nowhere” and a portico that “has no doors to get you into the ballroom.”
The article also unpacked how much the ballroom design aesthetically sucks. The frenzy of columns in the portico will block the daylight inside, and the White House driveway has to be rerouted, destroying its symmetry. The whole thing is far too large, with a proposed East Wing that will be 60% larger in square footage than the White House residence.
The Times noted that, measured by cubic volume and including the porticos, it’s actually three times as large as the residence because the ballroom is so tall.
“Viewed from the south, the ballroom’s size will make it the dominant building of the White House complex,” the article stated.
Related | Lackey-packed committee approves Trump's hideous ballroom
In response, Trump decided that correcting the record was the most important thing he could do. So he gathered reporters on Air Force One Sunday night to show them new designs that attempt to fix the whole stairway problem.
“We took the stairs out that were on the south side and really replaced them with these stairs,” Trump said, referring to what he called a “fire stair.”
He also shared that the columns will be hand-carved in the Corinthian style—Trump’s personal favorite type of column. These plans are entirely different from the ones his lackeys signed off on, which really brings home how little they matter.
Trump’s comments about how the lawsuit made him share top secret information came at the same time as the new designs, part and parcel of his shambolic efforts to keep the bribe palace afloat. And you should be grateful that he took the time!
“I’m so busy that I don’t have time to do this,” he said. “I’m fighting wars and other things.”
By “other things” he must mean planning his UFC Birthday Boy match, fighting over college football, and contemplating adding a spare bedroom to the White House.
It’s clear that Trump views his presidency as the ultimate cheat code for a hack developer like himself. He can build whatever he wants, wherever he wants, whenever he wants—and all with other people’s money.
No permits, no regulations, no inspections, no laws. Just vibes. The most rancid, tasteless vibes imaginable.
