
Look, we’re going to have to pace ourselves here. We’ve got a lot of people who deserve impeaching. We might have to do these, like, two at a time. We probably need to hire some sort of logistics coordinator or project manager to make sure we can shuffle these folks out the door with minimum fuss and maximum mockery.
But listen, every race, long or short, needs a warm-up, right? So let’s start with the people who we know that even the surviving sliver of Republicans hate.
Here’s who is getting dropped through a trapdoor we’ve just built into the Congress floor:
1. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth
Here’s the thing about Pete Hegseth: He’s so bad at his job that even if you actually love what Pete Hegseth stands for, you can still hate Pete Hegseth. Like, even if we set aside his propensity for committing war crimes, there’s so, so much more.
A defense secretary who decides to decimate his own military during his own ill-advised war? The guy who seems to be lying about how many munitions he’s wasted on said war? The guy who makes more than half of the military want to quit early?

Who knew that hiring a sentient bottle of hair gel with a Crusades tattoo would turn out so poorly for the country?
But the biggest reason why Hegseth is first on the list is that the knives aren’t just out for him; they’ve already been lovingly sharpened and wiped down with soft cloth until they positively sparkle.
GOP Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky, who’s out the door and has nothing to lose, said even before the midterms that he was ready to reintroduce articles of impeachment against Hegseth. And GOP Sen. Thom Tillis of North Carolina, also out the door with nothing to lose, said that he’s going to spend his lame-duck session going after Hegseth.
As for Democrats? Today, we are all Rep. Rosa DeLauro of Connecticut, who used her victory speech last night to do some priority-setting: “Yes, we’re going to go after Hegseth.”
Yes, ma’am, yes we are.
2. FBI Director Kash Patel
Here’s the thing about Kash Patel: He’s so bad at his jo—whoops, sorry. Didn’t mean to repeat myself there. But Patel really has beclowned himself in spectacular fashion. From his inept staff purges to screwing up major investigations to using government resources to fly hither, thither, and yon with his fake country singer girlfriend, Patel just sucks at his job.
He’s also been a big part of protecting President Donald Trump from having his sterling reputation tarnished by the publication of the Epstein Files and has been more than willing to deploy the FBI as a tool of harassment.

If there’s anyone who will be absolutely devastated to be thrown, feet first, out the door, it’s probably going to be Patel. Not because he loves his job, but because he has turned not doing his job into an art—a very special Make-A-Wish for one very special boy.
Once Patel isn’t in government—once he doesn’t have the force of law behind him—who is going to hang out with him? No more partying with the U.S. Men’s Hockey team, my wee little dude. No more assigning a full FBI security team to your girlfriend so she can get her hair done. No more snorkeling at the Pearl Harbor memorial, because what is wrong with you, you ghoul?
Enjoy returning to podcasting, Ka$h. Oh, and maybe restarting your clothing line? You know, the one where the website has been down for months because it was hacked? Is there anything this guy doesn’t suck at?
3. Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Now, this guy is a genuine goblin. Perhaps Kennedy will take a moment away from bathing in beef tallow and working out with Kid Rock to show up before Congress to hear all of the reasons it’s going to bounce him ass first onto the pavement.

But if he doesn’t, no worries. He can be removed in absentia just as easily.
The man is absolutely responsible for deaths. Maybe not Elon-Musk-level deaths, but deaths aplenty nonetheless. Throw him out over his decimation of vaccines. Throw him out over the fact that he lied to Congress in the first place about what he would do with vaccines. Throw him out over his “let them eat peptides” approach to healthcare.
Heck, throw him out because he works out in jeans, because what the actual hell. Just throw. Him. Out.
And speaking of really, really, really bad guys...












