Garrison Keillor. (photo: MPR)
The True Story of Last Weekend's Blizzard
yuge blizzard descended on Minnesota over the weekend and all of our
people who went south for the winter got back home in time to experience
it. It was truly yuge, a fabulous blizzard and the snow was up to the
housetops and the highway patrol said, “Stay in your homes. Do not drive
on account of rabid wolves and jackals running loose.” But some of us
went out anyway because that’s how we are. America was not settled by
the timid.
April 15th is a little late for a blizzard and so
there was some bitter complaining but I just strapped on my skis and
went out in the storm and yes, there were jackals, but you run into
these guys and you just have to deal with them.
I like the sense of timelessness of a blizzard. You
think, this is like #ValleyForge, it’s like the #OregonTrail, like
#TheRealWestwardExpansion, not that I want to go back to an older time —
I don’t — it’s simply a chance to make a fresh start, to reboot.
America is about progress. For school lunch, we used
to have chow mein, and now they have pad thai and kung pao chicken, much
better. This little phone/camera/newsstand/encyclopedia the size of a
pack of cigars that I carry around with me is a godsend. If I forget
where I am, I click on the Map icon and it shows me. If I forget the
name of the actor who starred in “Gunsmoke,” I simply Google “Gunsmoke”
and the word “marshal” and there it is, Bob Dylan. Or I can Google my
name and the word “obituary,” and if there isn’t one, I feel sort of
reassured.
Words like “totally” and “awesome” are terrific
additions to the language. We had the word “awesome” before but we never
used it, we associated “awe” with, for example, the sudden appearance
of an angel in the room. We didn’t know that somebody’s hair could be
awesome, or their family, or their golf course and resort complex.
This blizzard is awesome. A world of dazzling
whiteness all around — it’s like what we expected the Rapture to look
like, back when this was a Christian nation. The number of Americans who
call themselves Christian is in decline, and that includes a lot of
hypocrites or fake Christians — the number of those who actually love
God with, if not their whole hearts, at least most of their hearts, is a
great deal less. This is the fault of Obama and Obamacare.
But now we have a totally Christian president, an
awesome and amazing man, a very good man, who has done more for the
faith in the past fourteen months than all of the other forty-four
presidents combined, and who, as a result, has suffered more attacks
from slimeballs than anybody but has stayed the course and done the
right thing, no collusion with the devil at all, no collusion, none,
it’s a witch hunt and which hunters those are I think you know — crooked
Democrats. Everybody knows it. Everybody.
He gets no credit for what he’s accomplished. Before
he came to office, there was no Twitter, no borders, no terrifically
smart missiles. He made cable TV what it is today, the greatest in the
world, he made us proud again. Under Obama, Christians couldn’t worship
openly and you couldn’t carry a gun except in parts of Texas and
Oklahoma.
America was laughed at by our enemies, the Germans laughed,
the Japanese, the French mocked us, laughing through their noses, “fnh
fnh fnh,” the way they do. He inherited a pitiful weak military and he
made it tough again.
He is a great man and the FBI’s attack on him is an
attack on the country and all that we stand for and this blizzard is a
sign from heaven: it says, “Global warming? Fnh! Fnh! Fnh!” and it says,
“Leave this great white man alone. His business is snow business of
yours. What was the FBI looking for? Snow cohens?” You want to see
Stormy, we’ll show you stormy. Does this man look like he’d pay women to
do the things they say he paid them to do and then pay them not to talk
about it? They’re making a mountain out of molehills and putting a pea
under the mattress. When you’re a nation like ours, you need a guy like
him.
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