You have to feel a little sorry for Donald Trump, right? His dreams of becoming America’s first unaccountable, undemocratically installed dictator have been dashed, and now he’s just Pol Putz.
I mean, we can all relate, can’t we? To having our dreams dashed, that is. I’ll wager very few Americans ever wanted to stage a bloodless coup in order to despoil the world’s foremost exemplar of freedom and democracy. But Donny did, and he spectacularly failed, and now all he has to look forward to is someone else writing his memoirs for him. (He can still color in the pop-ups if he wants, but the actual prose will no doubt be left to someone whose brain remains conspicuously unencumbered by weevils.)
That said, someone really needs to rein in ol’ Donny Diapers before he gives the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Mayor McCheese. Because he’s fucking lost it, yo.
The latest paranoia-palooza? The DOJ and FBI might just be in on the “theft” of the 2020 presidential election. Because that makes total sense.
From Trump’s latest rant-erview with Fox News’ Maria Bartiromo:
TRUMP: “This is a terrible thing that’s happened. The mail-in ballots are a disaster. They sent millions and millions and millions of mail-in ballots. I’m sure you know people that got two, three, or four, because I do, where they said, ‘You know, we got four ballots.’ They got one at a country home. Dead people were seeing ballots. But even worse, dead people were applying to get a ballot. They were making application to get ballots. … And, you know, we’re not talking about 10 people, there are a lot of dead people that so-called voted in this election, but dead people were, in some cases, in many, many cases, thousands of cases, voted. But also dead people made application to vote. They were dead 10 years, 15 years, and they actually made application. This is total fraud, and how the FBI and Department of Justice — I don’t know, maybe they’re involved — but how people are allowed to get away with this stuff is unbelievable. This election was rigged. This election was a total fraud.”
Needless to say, he’s just making stuff up. That’s no surprise. But at some point during this dippy diatribe he realized, well, the FBI and DOJ don’t seem overly concerned about the integrity of the election so — BOOM! — they must be in on it, too.
Yes, Bill Barr, who’s dutifully carried Trump’s water since becoming attorney general, suddenly decided at the 11th hour to concoct a conspiracy that would hand the election to Joe Biden. And Christopher Wray, Trump’s handpicked FBI director, is part of the cabal. Because he must be, or Donny’s conspiracy theory won’t hold up to scrutiny, now will it?
Looney
Fucking
Tunes
Y’all
Of course, Trump has wandered so far away from the rest home in his half-closed robe and surplus casino slippers it’s unlikely anyone can set his mind right at this point. And he will almost certainly go to his grave insisting he won this election — before that grave is promptly drenched with the micturitions of a proud nation.
But until then we get to witness the barmy musings of our own “Mad King George,” as one White House insider put it in this delicious WaPo story:
The facts were indisputable: President Trump had lost.
But Trump refused to see it that way. Sequestered in the White House and brooding out of public view after his election defeat, rageful and at times delirious in a torrent of private conversations, Trump was, in the telling of one close adviser, like “Mad King George, muttering, ‘I won. I won. I won.’
I have no doubt he actually thinks he did win. Luckily, whatever’s ping-ponging around in Donald Trump’s Jiffy Pop head will no longer matter after January 20.
Breathe deep and exhale this poison, America. We’re cruising toward a Trump-free federal government.
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