Rainy day provides perfect cover for columnist

WHO'S IN YOUR CLOSET?

By Bruce Wales
Gazette Columnist & Worm Guy

A lot of folks think they know me. But they don't.

It would surprise them if they knew who I really am.

I mean, the thoughts that drive me throughout my days are not the thoughts of a Donald Trump, a Steve Tyler, a Paul McCartney or even President Obama.

No. I am a closet RESOURCE RE-ALLOCATION SPECIALIST. Self appointed, for sure.

Oh, I seem like a harmless neighbor. I support FIRST FRIDAYS. I try to buy from local folks.

I even hire neighbors to do work I don't want to do. I clean my house windows semi-regularly.

I even visit with folks at the mailbox. Or I'll say 'hi' to them on the street. I'll even add a comment about the weather once in a while.

But, sometimes in the dark of night, or the hidden rain of day, I'll do what I did today.

I'll re-allocate resources! Yes, I am a Self-Appointed Re-Allocation Resource Specialist, a S-AR-ARS. And today I went S-AR-ARS-ing.

You see, it was raining. It was the perfect opportunity. I knew that television sets everywhere would be on. They would be grabbing the attention of everyone on my street. Perfect.

So, I put on my worn out jeans, my hat from Colorado, my fingertip-less gloves, and proceeded to gather leaves, seeds, pine cones, dirt, brush trimmings and some tubers from my back yard trash. I put them in the bed of my small harmless looking pick-up truck. Next, I drove slowly by my neighbors' houses knowing they would never hear my little engine over the sound of the rain. Stopping by an eroding bank near the street, I pulled down the tail gate of my small pick-up truck and began to distribute according to my special plan.

I tossed the seeds and the tubers first. Loose dirt and horse apples were strewn next for cover. Next, the pine cones. Next, the leaves. Finally, the sticks, from the lower grade up toward the higher. I knew it would thatch in such a way that all I had thrown would stay throughout any rain storm.

I had re-allocated the waste from my trees and my critters. I was un-doing the results of millions of gallons of rain-erosion from the rooftops and streets that our town had built! I was abating the erosion! My waste had become a valuable resource!

I was a hero! I was a S-AR-ARS! I had done the right thing! My waste/resource was encouraging Mother Nature to do what She does. Grow stuff!

I drove home. I parked the truck. I entered my front door. I hung up my dripping hat. I threw my pull-over onto a chair. I swaggered into the kitchen to treat myself to a grapefruit and a granola chew.

The kitchen phone rang. “Whatcha doin'?” asked my neighbor Bob. “I thought I saw you drivin' in this crazy rain. Are you nuts?”

“Just drove to the mailbox 'cause I was bored.”

"Ok, see ya later.” Bob hung up.

Good. Nobody knew.

I wonder if I should have a rain-proofed uniform made. Something with a cape. Yea. Maybe big S-AR-ARS letters on the front.

Who knows? -reaching for the yogurt,- I may let others know who I am. I may become public. I may come out of the closet.