Americans Nostalgic for Republican Who Only Wanted to Screw Over 47 Percent of Them

Credit Photograph by Justin Sullivan/Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign of voters’ shifting perspectives about Presidential hopefuls, a new survey reveals that Americans are deeply nostalgic for a Republican candidate who only wanted to screw over forty-seven per cent of them.

In interviews conducted across the country, voters expressed wistfulness and even a deep longing for a man who was indifferent to the fates of nearly half the nation’s residents.

“When he was running, it seemed like a bad thing that he didn’t care whether forty-seven per cent of the country lived or died,” said Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio. “Now I realize we were being too picky.”

“He threw thousands of people out of their jobs and onto the streets, but he let them stay in the country,” said Kent Bantwell, of Springfield, Missouri. “I’ve got to say, I miss him.”

Harland Dorrinson, of Jupiter, Florida, said that he wished that the man would jump into the 2016 race, but admitted that was unlikely. “That secret tape where he said he was screwing over forty-seven per cent of the country would be brought up again,” he said. “The fact that he wasn’t screwing over a bigger number would come back to haunt him now.”

Carol Foyler, of San Dimas, California, said she wished she could take back “all the nasty things” she said about the man when he ran for President in 2012. “I called him a jerk and a tool and a sociopath—and worse,” she remembered, shaking her head. “Now he seems like Mandela.”