Tiptoeing through the 60s takes fancy footwork

OUT TO PASTOR
an occasional column

By Rev. James L. Snyder

Gazette Blog Contributor

Now that I have safely escaped the infamous 50-something stage of life, I am carefully testing the waters before me. They look calm, but you never can be sure. Moreover, at this juncture of my life I am in no mood for taking chances.

Just the other day the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said to me rather sarcastically, "How does it feel to be 60-something?"

I knew she was having too much fun with this so I retorted by saying, "I feel like two 30-year-olds."

"Oh, no," she moaned. "I can’t handle more than one of you."

Ha! Ha! Ha! In her old age, she has not lost any of her sense of humor. I was hoping.

I am taking it rather careful, though. I have heard all the rumors about what happens to a person once they pass the 60 mark. For myself, I am determined to enjoy to the fullest every day I live from this day forward regardless of who I annoy. And I do have a list for this.

Some things, I am finding out, are quite true. Just the other night I discovered one of those rumors to be true. I now know why older men go to the bathroom so often during the night.

I had just gone to bed and started my evening dance with the Sandman. As I approached the shores of oblivion, I had the urge to go to the bathroom. I sat up in bed, adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up and put on my bathrobe. In somewhat of a daze I headed for the bathroom.

Once I got into the bathroom, I closed the door behind me, turned on the light and stood there. For a moment, I did not know where I was and then I could not remember why I was where I was. I thought for a moment and then turned around, walked back to my bed, took off my bathrobe, removed my slippers and tucked myself back into bed.

I dozed off for a moment and then, all of a sudden, it occurred to me why I went to the bathroom. So, I sat up in bed, adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up and put on my bathrobe. In somewhat of a daze I headed for the bathroom.

I closed the door and tried to turn on the light only to discover I was in the closet. Extricating my body from the closet, I headed once more in the direction of the bathroom. This time I found the bathroom.

I closed the door, turn on the light and looked in the mirror wondering why I was in the bathroom. I lathered up my face and shaved.

I left the bathroom and headed back for bed, removed my slippers and bathrobe and tucked myself snuggly under the sheets. Just as I was dozing off, I remembered why I wanted to go to the bathroom so urgently.

I sat up in bed, adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up and put on my bathrobe. In somewhat of a daze I headed for the bathroom. It took me a little longer to get to the bathroom this time but as soon as I opened the door, the light went on. In the bathroom was a quart of milk, a pitcher of iced tea, the makings of a salad and some luncheon meat. I poured myself a glass of iced tea, slowly drank it and then headed back for bed.

As I snuggled myself back into bed, I heard the person on the other side of the bed moan and mumbled something, "You weren't in the kitchen were you?"

"No," I said rather sleepily, "I was in the bathroom."

I soon fell asleep and no sooner did I fall asleep than I awoke with an urge to go to the bathroom. I adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up, put on my bathrobe, and made my way toward the bathroom.

This time, when I opened the door the light did not go on so I had to switch the light on myself. I stood there, looked in the mirror, picked up my toothbrush and toothpaste and began brushing my teeth. I gargled good and long with mouthwash, turned off the light and headed back for bed.

From the other side of the bed I heard another moan, "Were you brushing your teeth?"

"No," I muttered incoherently, "I got a drink of tea from the kitchen."

"You shouldn't drink tea before you go to bed, it'll make you go to the bathroom."

I soon fell asleep but was awakened with a very urgent need to go to the bathroom. In a panic I stumbled out of bed, could not find my slippers, my bathrobe was nowhere to be found but I had to go to the bathroom.

The next thing I remember the alarm clock was ringing and it was seven o'clock in the morning. I still do not know if I ever went to the bathroom but now I know why older men go to the bathroom so often during the night.

That morning in my devotions, I read from the Psalms. "I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread" (Psalm 37:25 KJV).

I am thinking this 60-something is going to require some fancy footwork.

The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family of God Fellowship, 1471 Pine Road, Ocala, FL 34472. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or e-mail jamessnyder2@att.net. The church web site is www.whatafellowship.com.