First reported by a Mr. C.N. Little, the facts have been increasingly verified by such established bastions of accuracy as Foxy News and The Roundabout newspaper. Highly regarded public servants, tabloid editors and talk-show moguls are, reportedly, all in agreement. John McCain checked with Jon Kyl to be sure, then added his name to the list. Repeated attempts to interview Mr. Hen E. Penny, a noted authority on the matter, have resulted in “No comment.”
What is known, however, is that what was for some time only conjecture is now being accepted as whole cloth. Such impeccable authorities as Mr. Newt Grinch (affectionately known as "Snake”) and the unassailable Glen Beck-ward appeared together on the Pulitzer nominated news program “Na, Na, I told You So” to claim credit for the original announcement. Long term pronouncements by the well known road scholar, Rush T. Reasonings are also being re-examined - at least the portions which can be deciphered. Mr. Reasonings referred all contact to his attorney, Duck E. Luckee of the firm Duck & Cover.
Hints of this monumental claim began surfacing approximately two years ago. On November 5, 2008, large numbers of television viewers reported a bewildering loss of the color function on their sets. Small, people-sized portions of the screen appeared to return to the old black and white format, especially when pictures of the newly elected president were shown. A mixture of euphoria and consternation swept across the land, obscuring accurate observations as to the actual phenomenon taking place.
Blurry-eyed investors and financial alchemists were getting all the headlines at the time, as first one, then another frantically attempted to identify some monetary bedrock upon which they could take a solid stand. An unprecedented spending spree had long been underway based on nothing but layers upon layers of esoteric numerical formulae, each supporting the next, and each fueled by a lack of fiduciary restraint. Eventually, It became shockingly obvious that the U.S. had spent the rent money on a giant party and a lottery ticket.
Then, the lights went out.
Concerned citizens led by the aforementioned Mr. Little and joined by Ms. Lucy Goosie and Mr. Foxy Loxie, actually made an effort to warn the king. The king, however, was reluctant to interrupt the grand party. Besides, getting down off a tiger is usually the tiger’s call.
By the time a new president was sworn in, the place was a mess and most of the partiers had a huge hangover. Hangovers have a way of bringing about remorse and, frequently, recrimination. Fiscal hangovers follow the same path. Demons are blamed. Exculpatory evidence is sought. Reality is painful. Someone or something must be found to alleviate the unbearable agony and shock. Powerful pain killers are prescribed
The presidential election of 2008 did not bring peace, but a sword. It added the final touches to a perfect storm. It soon began sucking anything not nailed down into a vortex, and very little was nailed down. “There’s an ill wind that blows no good,” it is often said.
In its stated goal of accomplishing good, this wind created (some say “revealed.”) a considerable amount of ill.
Aha! cried the tattered, bleary-eyed Old Guard. Here is the cause of all our problems. It blew right past us before we could recognize it. If we had only had more time, we could have fixed things.
As the storm began to subside, unfamiliar “Hardhats” appeared, holding new sets of blueprints. “Too soon!” cried many hard core survivors - “and Way too much!”
“We are far too frail to take on substantial reconstruction”
“We need more time to study the situation.”
“Actions are unsettling.”
“We want the Alka Seltzer, not the fizz.”
Confusion, distrust and misunderstanding now reign. The only thing anyone agrees upon is that a big problem exists.
Promises of improvement have not immediately brought back the happy days.
Years of trashing the economy have created far greater challenges than were once imagined. Talk of a new, more responsible path for America is, ironically, described as retrograde. The hangover persists, and the new pharmacist is a phony.
A groundswell of protest grows stronger every day. Angry marchers are demanding a return to the “good old days” of perhaps 2005 or 2006, when everyone was prosperous and politics were pure. Others have different dates in mind, some as far back as 1776.
The main issues which appear to create a bond among the various protest groups are:
Government is intrinsically bad. New government is needed.
Oh, and the sky is definitely falling. Of that there can be no doubt.
God bless America.
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