Escaped cons a far cry from Bonnie and Clyde

Recently two of the three convicts who escaped from a privately operated jail in Kingman and the woman accused of helping them were indicted in New Mexico and will most likely be extradited to face murder charges for killing two tourists in that state. Perhaps it's time to give their escapade some perspective.

The last to be recaptured was escapee John McCluskey and Casslyn Welch, the “lady” who tossed cutting tools over the prison fence to the trio. They were apprehended Aug. 19 at a campground near Sunrise Ski Resort.

They managed to elude authorities for a while, but I was confident all along that their recapture was a foregone conclusion. I felt this way because these clowns didn’t seem real bright. Had it not been for the seriousness of the crimes that landed them in jail (two were in for murder, the other for attempted murder), and for the killing of the two campers, the whole thing would be pretty laughable.

Because, first of all, the prison escape should never have occurred. The trio were being held in a private run for-profit prison in Kingman that was intended for DUI offenders.

Because McCluskey’s mother, who operates a gas station in Jake’s Corner, was arrested for aiding and abetting. It’s starting to sound like a bad country and western song.

Because Casslyn, who is McCluskey’s fiancé and – get this – also his first cousin, was pumping gas at the gas station before she signed on.

Because McCluskey and Casslyn fashion themselves as a modern day Bonnie and Clyde – the most laughable part of the whole caper.

You remember Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, outlaws and robbers who traveled the Central U.S. during the Great Depression. Their exploits were popularized by Arthur Penn’s 1967 film.

Clyde and his gang robbed over a dozen banks and killed at least nine cops, but he preferred small stores and rural gas stations, not unlike the one in Jake’s Corner. And how cool is it that the media is referring to that very gas station as “just outside Payson.” Hell, it’s 30 miles away in a whole different ecosystem – but it sure makes us feel like part of the action.

Fellow Gazette/Connection columnist Noble Collins astutely observed that the escapees probably passed right through Payson en route to Jake’s Corner. Hell, we were part of the action. You could have been sitting at the 87/260 traffic signal right next to these Bozos.

Anyway, because of a gag snapshot, Bonnie was glamorized by the media of her time as a machine gun toting, cigar smoking gun moll. The reality: while she was present at over 100 felony crimes, she was little more than a bystander.

But according to several historians, it was the illicit sex angle more than anything that made Bonnie and Clyde legendary. Thanks to some more gag photos, Bonnie added an element of sex appeal that helped them transcend the punk status afforded most criminals.

One of the hilarious if sick reasons Casslyn and John will never reach the Bonnie and Clyde status to which they aspire is the cousin thing. Talk about illicit sex. There’s a thin line between titillating and obscene, and these two seem destined for the barnyard. Not to mention that marriage between first cousins is prohibited in 25 states.

But the funniest part of this entire saga is that in the middle of their caper they visited Yellowstone National Park – a major summer vacation destination just crawling with tourists. What the heck were they thinking?

And what a great Yogi Bear episode this would make – “Casslyn and John do Jellystone.” Can’t you just see them coming upon Yogi himself.

Yogi: Hello, Mr. Convict, sir. Hey there, Casslyn. You folks here for a pic-a-nic?

Casslyn: Have you ever heard of Bonnie and Clyde, bear?

Yogi: Weren’t they the two humans who went up the hill to get a pail of water?

Casslyn: That was Jack and Jill, bear. Bonnie and Clyde were two sexy outlaws who led the cops on a merry chase. And now we – Casslyn and John – are doing it all over again.

Yogi: Whatever. But you still have to eat. Are you guys going to open that pic-a-nic basket or what?

In my mind, the real similarity between the two couples is that they were both frauds of a sort, trying to make a legend out of a molehill. Lucky for Casslyn and John they didn’t go down in a hail of bullets like Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker, but wouldn’t it have been an ironic conclusion if they had.

And while they made a movie called “Jake’s Corner,” nobody’s likely to make one out of their sordid escapade like they did Bonnie and Clyde. There’s just something about kissing cousins that’s a real turnoff.

Which leads to the obvious conclusion – Casslyn and John are certainly not as smart as your average bear. And if they had ended up in Jellystone, I would have put my money on Yogi.