A brutally honest discourse on team nicknames

The football season is over. The NBA and NHL recently experienced extended breaks for the all star game and Winter Olympics respectively. Baseball spring training is just getting underway.

It leaves a guy way too much time to think about insignificant things. But sometimes that can lead to really good columns.

But first, we need a disclaimer. You must suspend all your sensitivities, political, religious and otherwise, to proceed from this point. We’re going to poke some fun and you need to not be offended.

OK, those of you who are still with us can follow along.

With too much time on my hands, I got to thinking about professional sports teams and how they often have nicknames that have some sort of geographical significance. The Milwaukee Brewers, of course, are so named because a lot of beer is made in Milwaukee. The Seattle Seahawks get their nickname from being close to the sea.

When teams move from one city to another, they sometimes get new nicknames. For example, the Seattle SuperSonics are now the Oklahoma City Thunder – presumably because it thunders a lot in Oklahoma City. That’s well and good.

But sometimes when teams move they keep their old nicknames even though they don’t fit their new cities.

Did you ever wonder, for example, why the Los Angeles Lakers are called the Lakers and not the Oceansides? It’s because they were originally the Minneapolis Lakers, based in a state known as the Land of Lakes.

And while we’re in L.A., the Dodgers are not called the Dodgers because in L.A. you have to dodge street gangs. They’re called the Dodgers because back when they were the Brooklyn Dodgers, people in that city had to dodge streetcars.

One of my favorite examples is the Utah Jazz. They were once the New Orleans Jazz, which, of course, made sense. But when they moved to Mormon country, wouldn’t you think the owner would have changed their name to, say, the Utah Choirboys?

Stereotypes are generally bad things, but employing them in the interest of fun can help defuse them. Maybe Chicago needs a team called the Gangsters. Or better yet, how about the Chicago Blagojeviches.

Los Angeles, home of the Lakers and the Dodgers, might be better represented by the L.A. Gangbangers. Or perhaps the L.A. Smogsuckers.

Heading down south, how about the Houston Rednecks. Or instead of the Florida Marlins, how about the Florida Dead Manitees.

And until the last Senate election, people wouldn’t have thought twice about the Boston Left Wingers. Speaking of politics, how about the Washington Filibusterers or the Washington Lobbyists or the Washington Hypocrites.

In Nevada, you might root for the Las Vegas Elvises. Or even worse, the Las Vegas Wayne Newtons.

Closer to home, a team named the Phoenix Oldies might be appropriate. Or maybe the Ancients. Or, less politically correct, how about the Phoenix Kidnappers. Or the Phoenix Waterwasters.

And no, we aren’t going to suggest Flatlanders. The last time that came up someone down there got offended. Not as bad as they get offended when they get nailed by the photo enforcement cameras in Star Valley. But offended nonetheless.

Since that hits really close to home, let’s stay here for awhile. You know what Dorothy said about there being no place like home – to poke fun at.

How about the Rim Country Bark Beetles. Or the Rx Burners. Or the Cowpies. Or the Natural Bridgeless. Not funny? OK, let’s try the Payson Power Outages or the Payson Potholes or the Payson Waterthiefs. Speaking of one of our more obvious attributes as a people, maybe the Payson Potbellies.

Still not funny. So let’s try naming our team after a favorite son. How about the Payson Murphys (as in former mayor Kenny). Or we could capitalize on the Rim Country’s most famous resident of all time and call ourselves the Zanies.

Not to let Star Valley get away with anything, a team from Arizona’s newest town might be called the Speedtraps. Or the Termlimitless. Or the Don’t Even Think of Treading on Us.

And a team from Pine-Strawberry could very appropriately go by the nickname the Stage Fours. Or maybe even the PSWIDs after the Pine Strawberry Water Improvement District. Simply add a couple syllables to the acronym.

And just to show you I can take a joke, a team from my home community of Mesa del Caballo could be called the Dawgs (because some say we have more dogs than people). Or the Parched (because we run low on water in the summer).

Because life is just too short to take ourselves real seriously.