The Sad Clownhood of John Boehner

John Boehner. (photo: J. Scott Applewhite/AP)

By Charles Pierce, Esquire

01 August 14

readersupportednews.org

here were those of us who thought that when Eric Cantor was defeated in his primary for re-election that he would leave office without ever telling John Boehner the location of the Mason Jar in which Cantor had buried the Speaker's balls. There were those of us who thought that this would be like one of those adventure novels in which the last man who knows the secret dies unexpectedly without ever having passed it along. There were those of us who thought maybe Dan Brown could one day get a novel out of the search for Boehner's balls. But we needn't have been so concerned. Cantor did his duty to posterity. He passed along the secret of where the Mason Jar is buried. He passed it along to Ted Cruz.

I'm sure that better legislative historians than I can come up with an example from history in which a first-term senator was so easily able to cross the Capitol and undermine a sitting Speaker of the House the way Cruz has for the last couple of years. I can't recall anything like it, though. Working to demonstrate that the House can do something besides provide a home for the mentally infirm, Boehner attempted to put together a bill that would address the situation along our Southern border, at least cosmetically. So he got a bill drafted that was dramatically less than what the president had proposed, and woefully short of what actually is needed, and it looked like it might even pass. And then Ted Cruz came rap-tap-tapping on the chamber door. And quoth the Raver, "Nevermore."

The House GOP plan included $659 million, a fraction of the $3.7 billion requested by the White House. Democrats opposed it, as did some conservative Republicans. Cruz hosted a pizza-fueled strategy session Wednesday night with some House conservatives - a reunion of the so-called Tortilla Coast Caucus, named for the Capitol Hill restaurant where Cruz and House allies huddled during the shutdown fight.

Aren't they just freaking adorable?

Faced with yet another Cruz-inspired mutiny, Boehner pulled his bill. So now the Congress has no bill to deal with a burgeoning humanitarian crisis at the border. He then gave us a completely pathetic reason why he garroted his own measure. It was the president's fault that Ted Cruz has the Mason Jar now and that Boehner continues to chirp away in a 'nad-less soprano.

"This situation shows the intense concern within our conference - and among the American people - about the need to ensure the security of our borders and the president's refusal to faithfully execute our laws. There are numerous steps the president can and should be taking right now, without the need for congressional action, to secure our borders and ensure these children are returned swiftly and safely to their countries.

(Ed. Note: Wait. Time the fk out. Didn't you yesterday vote to sue the president for doing precisely that?)

For the past month, the House has been engaged in intensive efforts to pass legislation that would compel the president to do his job and ensure it can be done as quickly and compassionately as possible. Through an inclusive process, a border bill was built by listening to members and the American people that has the support not just of a majority of the majority in the House, but most of the House Republican Conference. We will continue to work on solutions to the border crisis and other challenges facing our country."

Holy mother of god, what a eunuch. Somewhere in the Speaker's Lobby of Purgatory, Uncle Joe Cannon is pounding his head against the wall, Sam Rayburn is reaching for the bourbon again, and Henry Clay is vomiting into a potted plant. The idea that Boehner has any political power at all beyond that which a Texas crackpot allows him to have has now been rendered ludicrous. The Democratic members of the House see it, and so do people on Boehner's side of the aisle who look at him and wonder what day it will be when the Speaker simply turns into a pillar of fine powder and blows away on the breeze.

But House Republicans such as Rep. Pete King of New York Republican have been scathing, too, when it comes to Cruz. "The Obama White House should put Ted Cruz on the payroll," King told the Washington Post. "We have a chance to pass a good bill, not a perfect bill. Boehner is working hard to get to 218 votes and yet there is Ted Cruz, telling us to do nothing. If he wants to come over and run for Speaker, that's fine, but otherwise he should stay over there in the Senate."

Hard cheese, Pete. This is the party you helped build. This is the monster you helped create. It's a little late to realize you don't have the stones to control it.

The American Family Association, another group with millions of members, has issued alerts calling on the American people to rise up against their members of Congress if they vote for Boehner's bill. AFA said in an alert sent out late Wednesday: House Republicans are considering passing a bill this week that would give President Obama more money, but would do absolutely nothing to block his plan to extend amnesty to another 5 or 6 million illegal aliens with another wholly illegal executive order. Due to the president's irresponsible policies, our border is being overrun by illegal aliens who have no legal right to live or work in this country. In state after state and community after community, they are overwhelming relief services, welfare budgets, and law enforcement resources, and taking jobs that rightfully belong to American citizens. This tide of illegal immigration threatens our health, our public safety, and our national security. It's time for this dangerous pattern to stop.

They want the DREAM Act dead, just the way they wanted the Affordable Care Act defunded before they allowed the government to reopen for business last fall. John Boehner was helpless against them. Somebody else can come tell me again how the influence of the Tea Party has waned within Republican politics. Chris Cillizza, in a masterpiece of beat sweetening in anticipation of Tailgunner Ted's run for the White House in 2016, is quite taken by it all. If that becomes the narrative, not that Cruz is a committed vandal with no more interest in truly governing the country than a mower has to a lawn, but, rather, that he is a brilliant tactician in the way he is committed to making miserable the lives of people he will never see, then we are all in very deep trouble. The treasure hunt is on again, and a crazy person has the map.