March 12, 2014
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a preview of what promises to be a heated race for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) head-butted his rival Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) on the floor of the United States Senate this morning.
The melee “came without warning,” one observer said, as Sen. Paul took to the well of the Senate to give a speech recommending a strong but measured response to the crisis in Ukraine.
Almost immediately, a furious and beet-red Sen. Cruz began heckling Sen. Paul, calling him a “Kentucky-fried Communist” and demanding that he “apologize to Ronald Reagan this very instant.”
Sen. Paul seemed to ignore the heckling at first, but as Sen. Cruz’s taunts descended into a stream of profane name-calling, the Kentuckian leapt from the well of the Senate and began throttling Sen. Cruz before administering the decisive head-butt.
“Shut up, you bastard!” Sen. Paul reportedly shouted during the brawl. “Shut up, or I’ll make you shut up!”
A group of horrified senators—including Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), and Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.)—pulled the two men apart, aided by a C.I.A. agent who had been monitoring the Senate’s activities at the time.
Within moments, the free-for-all was over, but not before more fists were thrown and a gash was opened over Sen. Cruz’s left eye.
In the aftermath of the skirmish, Sen. Paul seemed pleased with the outcome. “Sen. Cruz and I may not always agree, but we’re both passionate about our views,” he said. “This kind of debate is healthy for the Republican Party.”
Under the rules of the Senate, head-butting another senator results in a mandatory suspension of seven days, experts said.
Left photograph by Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call/Getty. Right photograph by Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg/Getty.
A group of horrified senators—including Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), and Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.)—pulled the two men apart, aided by a C.I.A. agent who had been monitoring the Senate’s activities at the time.
Within moments, the free-for-all was over, but not before more fists were thrown and a gash was opened over Sen. Cruz’s left eye.
In the aftermath of the skirmish, Sen. Paul seemed pleased with the outcome. “Sen. Cruz and I may not always agree, but we’re both passionate about our views,” he said. “This kind of debate is healthy for the Republican Party.”
Under the rules of the Senate, head-butting another senator results in a mandatory suspension of seven days, experts said.
Left photograph by Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call/Getty. Right photograph by Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg/Getty.
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