By Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report
DENVER (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans lost consciousness on Wednesday night between the hours of 9 and 10:30 P.M. E.T., according to widespread anecdotal reports from coast to coast.
The sudden epidemic of sleepiness prevented
voters from watching more than a minute or two of the first Presidential
debate between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President
Barack Obama, which the few observers who remained awake have called the
most tedious in American history.
Moderator Jim Lehrer’s opening instruction to the audience that they remain silent
proved unnecessary, since within minutes most of them sat
with their heads tipped forward, drool visibly dangling from their
mouths.
Mr. Obama began the debate with a high-risk tactic that seemed designed to alienate huge swaths of the country—the use of math and facts—but ultimately his words seemed unlikely to turn off many viewers, who were soon off on their journey to dreamland.
Mr. Romney’s much-trumpeted “zingers” were nowhere in evidence, except for a mystifying non-sequitur attack on PBS’s Big Bird.
The only fireworks came at the very beginning of the debate, when Mr. Obama congratulated his wife, Michelle, on their twentieth wedding anniversary, drawing this response from Mr. Romney: “I disagree with your decision to marry Michelle. On Day One, I’ll reverse it.”
Moderator Jim Lehrer’s opening instruction to the audience that they remain silent
Mr. Obama began the debate with a high-risk tactic that seemed designed to alienate huge swaths of the country—the use of math and facts—but ultimately his words seemed unlikely to turn off many viewers, who were soon off on their journey to dreamland.
Mr. Romney’s much-trumpeted “zingers” were nowhere in evidence, except for a mystifying non-sequitur attack on PBS’s Big Bird.
The only fireworks came at the very beginning of the debate, when Mr. Obama congratulated his wife, Michelle, on their twentieth wedding anniversary, drawing this response from Mr. Romney: “I disagree with your decision to marry Michelle. On Day One, I’ll reverse it.”
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