Your day probably hasn't been weird enough, so let's fix that right now with a quote from an ex-President of These United States.
"I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit," said Donald J. Trump, previously in charge of this nation's nuclear arsenal.
As reported by The Daily Beast, this and many other important fruit-related quotes have now surfaced thanks to an October deposition just now being filed in the civil lawsuit against Trump brought by Trump Tower protesters who were assaulted by Trump's private security force back in 2015. Lawyers for those protesters were probing Trump's history of encouraging violence against protesters in general, including his public request to a crowd at one of his 2016 rallies that "If you see someone getting ready to throw a tomato, just knock the crap out of them, would you?"
This led the man who could once issue orders to nuclear submarines, perhaps orders demanding that they pull up to a seaside McDonalds and order him some fries, to explain that he was justified in asking the crowd to "knock the crap" out of anyone who might try to throw fruit because his campaign had learned somebody might possibly be planning to throw fruit and the fruit-throwing could have been "very dangerous."
Via The Daily Beast, then, are some of the fruit-related highlights of Trump's testimony:
"You get hit with fruit, it's—no, it’s very violent stuff. We were on alert for that."
Tomatoes are: "very dangerous stuff."
"You can get killed with those things."
"Some fruit is a lot worse than—tomatoes are bad, by the way. But it’s very dangerous. No, I wanted them to watch. They were on alert. I remember that specific event because everybody was on alert. They were going to hit, they were going to hit hard."
"You can be killed if that happens."
The specific fruits Trump enumerated as "dangerous stuff" consist of "pineapples, tomatoes, bananas, stuff like that." While the threat of pineapples is obvious, there remain few to no incidents of American politicians being pelted by pineapples, because they are simply too heavy to throw very far. Bananas could potentially be dangerous because, being of a boomerang-like shape, a skilled thrower could potentially throw a banana that would approach from an unexpected direction, foiling even the most skilled of Secret Service agents and resulting in a potential Dear Leader being poked somewhat annoyingly by one of the banana's two somewhat pointy ends.
As for the "very dangerous," "very violent," and "you can be killed if that happens" nature of a thrown tomato, the dangers are a bit less clear. Is it possible the tomato juice could have combined with Trump's velvety facial make-up to produce some sort of napalm-like solution? Is there a way for tomatoes and other thrown fruits to combine to produce, say, thermite?
These mysteries have not been cleared up, no doubt because government agents demanded that those explanations be deleted from deposition tapes lest terrorists from fruit-rich nations discover them.Or, possibly, Trump had a dream about somebody pelting him with fruit onstage and was so terrified of such humiliation that the next day he ordered an entire rally crowd of chanting weirdos to "knock the crap" out of anyone in the building who was suspected of having fruit.
I mean, you could probably poke an eye out if you threw a chicken wing at someone—but Trump didn't request similar assaults on those holding meat. Very suspicious if you ask me.
And how did the Trump campaign make it through such a trying time without any announcement, ever, declaring that from now on Jared Kushner was going to be put in charge of Fruit and Fruit Trajectories? How are we supposed to believe that Trump’s inner circle was concerned about fruit attacks if Kushner was tasked with authoring not even one Google-researched report on fruit dangers?
Anyhoo, this has been your regular reminder that the Republican Party put Donald Freaking Trump in a position of mind-boggling power on purpose, knowing full well his positions and histories and having many, many videotapes, some of them pornographic, on hand as documentation. And a bunch of preachers came to lay hands on him, and a bunch of top intelligence analysts tried to wedge a bit of vital knowledge into his head by giving him pretty pictures to look at when it became clear he wasn't going to read intelligence briefings that weren't pretty-picture based, and a bunch of Republican lawmakers stepped forward one by one to declare that Donald Trump was the most brilliant tax-dodging rapist they had ever met even after a lifetime of sucking up to other tax-dodging rapists, and none of it stuck and the man who wanted to dissolve NATO and proposed bombing a hurricane and thought that he and he alone had the chops to stand up to world dictators and bravely do, er, whatever they asked him to do ...
... left office only after violence and is now carrying on a quiet life of explaining which fruits are dangerous (spoiler: all of them) and what his crack security team or just random Trump devotees ought to be able to do to someone Suspected Of Holding Fruit.
Enjoy the rest of your day, America. This is not, by any means, the last you will be hearing about this.
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