Political satirist Will Durst. (photo: WillDurst.com)
30 December 12
nd
so we bid a not-so-fond farewell to the bow of 2012, another large
unwieldy year, as it sinks slowly over the horizon, wobbling unsteadily
towards the graveyard of memory. And cheers erupt from we folks on shore
waving the double-handed "L for loser" sign above our heads. "So long.
See ya. Don't let the door slam you in the butt on the way out. And if
you got any brothers or sisters, don't give them this address."
Normally there's some small sense of nostalgia for a
departing annum. An iota of regret for the calendar discarded. Not this
one. Getting through the past 12 months was like navigating a Black
Diamond ski run in roller skates with the wheels rusted shut. While
wearing a crib. It was an oil-soaked pelican of years. The Year of
Living Stupidly. Had the same connection to constructive change that
Vladimir Putin has to the editorial board of Crochet Monthly. The
Chinese need a new Zodiac sign: Year of the Flatulent Weasel.
But in the interest of keeping this particular piece
of puffery positive, it might be best if we confine our remarks to
reflecting on the good that emerged from 2012.
Okay. Well, that was quick. Wait -- got one: at least
the presidential election is over. Of course people are already running
for 2016, so we got that to look forward to. Which is real similar to
looking forward to having five-year twins playing in the back seat of a
cross-country drive with a new set of drums and an unlimited supply of
metallic sticks. And tambourines. Tons of tambourines. For four years.
You'd think even your average run-of-the-mill
politician would possess the simple common human decency to wait till
the current President was re-inaugurated, but nooo. These early birds
are intent on stockpiling worms. You know what they say: Early money is
like yeast. And very early money is like baking soda. And extremely
early money is an egg wash brushed delicately across a pan full of hot
cross buns.
When you think about it, the only thing that really
went right with 2012 was we misread the Mayan Calendar. Everything else
is either worse than we found it or the same.
Middle East a mess? Check.
Crazy people with guns? Check. Weather getting weird? Check. Congress
unable to accomplish any sort of worthwhile task, including
differentiating between their gluteus maximus and yellow paint? Double
check.
Face it. These days, simple survival has become the
goal. Continuing existence is the new victory dance. And then, for a
half a second you ruminate on how good we got it here. What kind of
state the rest of the world is in. And most of our problems just kind of
fade away, don't they?
Sure, with great potential comes great responsibility.
But it's an exciting time. 15 years ago, the only people with GPS units
were NASA. Now we got them in our cars and phones. We're also in the
middle of a cheeseburger renaissance and pretty good coffee is available
almost everywhere. Not half bad perks. So, what do you say? Shall we
give another a year a shot? But just 365 this time around. Don't know
about you, but that extra day this year kicked my butt.
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