borowitzreport.com
Dear American Person:
As many of you know, in recent days my opponent has spread the rumors that 1.) I have refused to make my tax returns public and 2.) I have hidden my money in bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans. These two rumors, while true, have made me look very bad. So I thought I would take this opportunity to explain my finances in terms even a poor person could understand.
Let’s say you met the love of your life, and you wrote her a series of passionate love letters. In these letters, you told her how you intended to protect her, cherish her, and always keep her safe. And then let’s say somebody went and told you that you had to make those love letters available for the world to see. If you’re even half the man I am, you’d say, “Heck no.”
Well, in my case, the love of my life is my money. (If you don't believe me, ask Ann.) And my tax returns are like my love letters to my money, detailing the lengths to which I’ll go to keep my precious money from being taken away from me. If you think I should make those love letters public, then I’m sorry, my friend, but you don’t believe in love.
Now, let’s say you asked the love of your life to marry you, and you’re fortunate enough that she said “yes.” Should someone be able to force you to spend your honeymoon in a ratty room at some Motel 6, where God knows what crackheads and whores slept before you? Or should you be allowed to take your bride to a five-star Swiss chateau, perhaps, or an exclusive beach on Grand Cayman? I think you can see where I’m going with this.
In conclusion: if refusing to release my tax returns and having foreign bank accounts is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I did it all for love. And as your President, I promise I will never, ever come between you and the thing you love. Unless you’re gay. (Laughing Out Loud.)
Vote for Me,
Mitt Romney
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