It comes from the lips of outside linebacker Von Miller, selected as the second pick in the first round of the National Football League draft this week by the Denver Broncos. For you non-football fans, Miller played collegiately at Texas A&M where he amassed 27.5 sacks in his last two years – a feat that made him one of the most coveted football players available in this year’s draft.
A few days before the draft, Miller attributed his skills to his Maker, the Lord Almighty Himself: “My God-given ability is speed off the edge,” he said. “I can drop back into coverage and all that other stuff, too, but what God has blessed me with is pass rushing off the edge.”
Your first reaction is probably that Miller is just another dumb jock who babbles anything that comes into his head into a microphone. But I submit that this is something more, something much more. In fact, I believe this is the first definitive evidence that God is a football fan.
Not that we should be surprised. God is, after all, a guy, and what self-respecting guy doesn’t love America’s game?
In fact, He probably invented it. Or rather, created it. Along with such delightful creations as birds and flowers and wasps and tsunamis and women.
And why else would football at its highest level be played on the seventh day. On Sunday, you will recall, the Lord rested from his creative labors and declared that we mortals should forever do likewise.
That was well and good back when we had nothing but time on our hands. Nowadays, however, it’s tough to make people rest on Sundays. We lead a busy existence and simply taking off one day in seven is increasingly not an option. Stores are open , bars are open, lawns need mowing (unless you live in here in the Land of Crushed Granite) and Facebook never sleeps.
But in His infinite wisdom, the Lord has found a way to get the vast majority of American males to sit on their butts all day Sunday and into the evening – by inventing football. Is ours a clever God, or what?
And to make sure that these Sunday combats are sufficiently attractive to continually bring American maledom to a halt, God has to make sure the game, as played by professionals, is the finest in all the land. Hence he has to create a regular supply of superstars like Von Miller – to whom he has granted various superpowers, not the least of which is the ability to pass rush off the edge.
One naturally wonders if God has his own favorite team. The New Orleans Saints come to mind, but then so does Hurricane Katrina. Which would lead us to believe that either He has a unique sense of humor, or He plays no favorites.
On the other hand, our own Arizona Cardinals had hoped Miller would be available when they selected fifth in the first round. Lord knows, no pun intended, that the Cardinals have gone many moons without a player who could pass rush off the edge.
Alas, when the Cardinals selected this, Miller was already long gone.
Now I suggest to you that if God granted Von Miller the ability to pass rush off the edge, then He is much more directly involved in our affairs than we had heretofore believed. Following this logic, the Lord Himself must have denied the Arizona Cardinals the services of Von Miller, which would certainly suggest that the Cardinals jinx is divinely inspired.
So God may not have a favorite team, but it appears he has a least favorite team. Coupled with the fact that Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill is a notorious consumer of great quantities of ice cream, the message coming down to Cards fans from on high is simple and time-worn: Let them eat cake.
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