Poll: Majority Now Consider Romney a Stalker

Borowitz Report

January 12, 2015

By Andy Borowitz

Credit Photograph by David Ryder/Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a possible setback for Mitt Romney’s latest Presidential ambitions, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans now regard the former Massachusetts governor as a stalker. 

The poll results suggest that Romney’s presence in every Presidential campaign in recent memory has taken its toll on the American people, who have expressed disbelief that he would return after being repeatedly told in no uncertain terms that he was not wanted.

Additionally, many of those surveyed said that they previously felt harassed by the Massachusetts governor’s relentless e-mails and phone calls, and favored some form of intervention to keep Romney from contacting them in the future.

In an indication of how much Romney’s serial candidacies have traumatized the American people, more than fifty per cent said that they would support a restraining order to keep the former nominee five hundred feet from the United States until the 2016 election had safely passed.

In an interview on Monday, Romney said that the inauspicious poll results would not discourage him from seeking the White House for a third time. “I know that I’m the right man for the American people, and nothing they say or do will stop me,” he said.