WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With
six fingers of Johnnie Walker swirling in his favorite tumbler, John
Boehner speaks with the quiet assurance of a man on the brink of
something big. Just three workdays remain until Congress packs it in for 2013, and the
House that Boehner presides over is about to set the record for the
least productive year in its history—a quixotic goal that the tawny
Ohioan set for himself when he arrived in Washington, in 1991. “Like most of us, I came to this town hoping to make history,” he
says, refilling his tumbler. “And, damn it, that’s what I’m about to
do.” Downing his glass in one gulp, he reflects upon “all the little things
that had to go right” to make the year of epic underachievement
possible. “There were the Benghazi hearings, of course, and all the votes to
repeal Obamacare,” he says. “But when we shut down the government in the
fall, I started thinking, Jesus, the record—it could happen.” During those heady shutdown days, Boehner didn’t dare speak about the
record he had long dreamed of setting—“didn’t want to jinx anything”—but
with Congress’s work year set to end on Friday, he now admits, “I’m so
close I can taste it.” Yesterday, when members of his caucus came up with a bipartisan budget
deal, Boehner “had a little come-to-Jesus meeting with them,” he says.
“I told them, I’ve worked too long and hard for this record, damn it.
Don’t mess it up at the last minute by accomplishing something.” So with the record for worst Congress seemingly in the bag—“I can
cross that off my bucket list,” he says—what does John Boehner do for an
encore? “It’s going to be tough to make next year’s Congress even worse,” he
says, pouring himself another tall one. “But it’s going to be fun
trying.”
Photograph by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty.
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