Political satirist Will Durst. (photo: WillDurst.com)
24 March 13
ormally
you don't expect to see the words "Republicans" and "introspection"
right next to each other. Like supermodel and barbecue. Physicist and
polka. Gazelle and ophthalmology. You catch my drift. But that's exactly
what happened last week, when the Republican Party released a 100-page
report detailing why their last presidential campaign skidded into the
emergency room Dead on Arrival.
The findings were compiled through analysis,
interviews and feedback from campaign managers, focus groups, and most
likely augmented by clandestine hanging out at bars during happy hour in
the proximity of graveyards and funeral parlors. Some paint it as a
comprehensive post- election review. Others argue it's incomprehensible.
The media calls it an autopsy. A self- addressed post-mortem love
letter in the spirit of Poe.
Hogwash and flummery could also be thrown into the
descriptive mix as the dispatch's theme finds nothing wrong with the
party message; the problem is all in the delivery. No need to
demonstrate more compassion, the trick is to seem more compassionate.
Got to learn how to win Ohio without ticking off Arkansas. In other
words, all they need to do is to bleach the leopard's spots.
The study was commissioned by members of the party's
hierarchy and given the official title - Growth and Opportunity Project.
A GOP for the GOP. Although Grossly Obvious Poppycock fits as well.
Claiming party purity trumps electoral victory, there is already heavy
pushback from the right. "What good is it to win earthly spoils when you
lose your immortal soul and your breath still smells like embalming
fluid?"
What this really calls for is an independent perspective. You want an autopsy, we'll give you an autopsy.
Summary Report of Autopsy concerning the corpse of
the 2012 Republican campaign. External Examination. Close inspection of
the body, an old white billionaire, reveals a serrated knife
approximately 9 inches long with the initials, Grover Norquist, engraved
on the handle, protruding from under the right side between the 4th
& 5th ribs.
Gunshot residue found covering the right hand in
excess of ½ inch depth, which considering the holes in the right temple
exhibiting upward trajectories, is consistent with what can only be
described as a series of self- inflicted gunshot wounds. DNA tests
reveal skin samples found under the broken nails of both hands are
indicative of numerous encounters between the victim and an unknown
woman or perhaps group of women.
The nose is missing which corresponds to the
victim's recent recurring publicized bout of TeaPartyitis, a disease
which causes the sufferer to cut off his nose to spite his face. In the
rectum, what appears to be a wooden stick 6 inches long and ¾ inch in
diameter, has been lodged for quite some time causing a critical backup
of feces.
Pending toxicology results from the lab, internal
examination reveals organs in a state consistent with the victim's age,
with two conspicuous anomalies. A steady diet of bunk and bamboozle has
dulled the senses creating a milky film that covers the retinas. Most
exceptional was the astonishing discovery of the total absence of a
heart.
It is the opinion of this office the cause of
death was this myocardial void along with the aforementioned
complications from various acute traumas. In other words, the victim was
probably dead for a long time, just didn't know it.
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