The iconic writer scolds the superrich (including himself - and Mitt Romney) for not giving back, and warns of a Kingsian apocalyptic scenario if inequality is not addressed in America.
Chris Christie may be fat, but he ain't Santa Claus. In fact, he seems unable to decide if he is
New Jersey's governor or its caporegime, and it may be a comment on the
coarsening of American discourse that his brash rudeness is often taken
for charm. In February, while discussing New Jersey's newly amended
income-tax law, which allows the rich to pay less (proportionally) than
the middle class, Christie was asked about Warren Buffett's observation
that he paid less federal income taxes than his personal secretary, and
that wasn't fair. "He should just write a check and shut up,"
Christie responded, with his typical verve. "I'm tired of hearing about
it. If he wants to give the government more money, he's got the ability
to write a check - go ahead and write it."
Heard it all before. At a rally in Florida (to support
collective bargaining and to express the socialist view that firing
teachers with experience was sort of a bad idea), I pointed out that I
was paying taxes of roughly 28 percent on my income. My question was,
"How come I'm not paying 50?" The governor of New Jersey did not respond
to this radical idea, possibly being too busy at the all-you-can-eat
cheese buffet at Applebee's in Jersey City, but plenty of other people
of the Christie persuasion did.
Cut a check and shut up, they said.
If you want to pay more, pay more, they said.
Tired of hearing about it, they said.
Tough shit for you guys, because I'm not tired of
talking about it. I've known rich people, and why not, since I'm one of
them? The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid,
strike a match, and dance around singing "Disco Inferno" than pay one
more cent in taxes to Uncle Sugar. It's true that some rich folks put at
least some of their tax savings into charitable contributions. My wife
and I give away roughly $4 million a year to libraries, local fire
departments that need updated lifesaving equipment (Jaws of Life tools
are always a popular request), schools, and a scattering of
organizations that underwrite the arts. Warren Buffett does the same; so
does Bill Gates; so does Steven Spielberg; so do the Koch brothers; so
did the late Steve Jobs. All fine as far as it goes, but it doesn't go
far enough.
What charitable 1 percenters can't do is assume
responsibility - America's national responsibilities: the care of its
sick and its poor, the education of its young, the repair of its failing
infrastructure, the repayment of its staggering war debts. Charity from
the rich can't fix global warming or lower the price of gasoline by one
single red penny. That kind of salvation does not come from Mark
Zuckerberg or Steve Ballmer saying, "OK, I'll write a $2 million bonus
check to the IRS." That annoying responsibility stuff comes from three
words that are anathema to the Tea Partiers: United American citizenry.
And hey, why don't we get real about this? Most rich
folks paying 28 percent taxes do not give out another 28 percent of
their income to charity. Most rich folks like to keep their dough. They
don't strip their bank accounts and investment portfolios. They keep
them and then pass them on to their children, their children's children.
And what they do give away is - like the monies my wife and I donate -
totally at their own discretion. That's the rich-guy philosophy in a
nutshell: don't tell us how to use our money; we'll tell you.
The Koch brothers are right-wing creepazoids, but
they're giving right-wing creepazoids. Here's an example: 68 million
fine American dollars to Deerfield Academy. Which is great for Deerfield
Academy. But it won't do squat for cleaning up the oil spill in the
Gulf of Mexico, where food fish are now showing up with black lesions.
It won't pay for stronger regulations to keep BP (or some other bunch of
dipshit oil drillers) from doing it again. It won't repair the levees
surrounding New Orleans. It won't improve education in Mississippi or
Alabama. But what the hell - them li'l crackers ain't never going to go
to Deerfield Academy anyway. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
Here's another crock of fresh bullshit delivered by
the right wing of the Republican Party (which has become, so far as I
can see, the only wing of the Republican Party): the richer rich people
get, the more jobs they create. Really? I have a total payroll of about
60 people, most of them working for the two radio stations I own in
Bangor, Maine. If I hit the movie jackpot - as I have, from time to time
- and own a piece of a film that grosses $200 million, what am I going
to do with it? Buy another radio station? I don't think so, since I'm
losing my shirt on the ones I own already. But suppose I did, and hired
on an additional dozen folks. Good for them. Whoopee-ding for the rest
of the economy.
At the risk of repeating myself, here's what rich
folks do when they get richer: they invest. A lot of those investments
are overseas, thanks to the anti-American business policies of the last
four administrations. Don't think so? Check the tag on that T-shirt or
gimme cap you're wearing. If it says MADE IN AMERICA, I'll … well, I
won't say I'll eat your shorts, because some of that stuff is made here,
but not much of it. And what does get made here doesn't get made by
America's small cadre of pluted bloatocrats; it's made, for the most
part, in barely-gittin'-by factories in the Deep South, where the only
unions people believe in are those solemnized at the altar of the local
church (as long as they're from different sexes, that is).
The U.S. senators and representatives who refuse even
to consider raising taxes on the rich - they squall like scalded babies
(usually on Fox News) every time the subject comes up - are not, by and
large, superrich themselves, although many are millionaires and all have
had the equivalent of Obamacare for years. They simply idolize the
rich. Don't ask me why; I don't get it either, since most rich people
are as boring as old, dead dog shit. The Mitch McConnells and John
Boehners and Eric Cantors just can't seem to help themselves. These guys
and their right-wing supporters regard deep pockets like Christy Walton
and Sheldon Adelson the way little girls regard Justin Bieber … which
is to say, with wide eyes, slack jaws, and the drool of adoration
dripping from their chins. I've gotten the same reaction myself, even
though I'm only "baby rich" compared with some of these guys, who float
serenely over the lives of the struggling middle class like blimps made
of thousand-dollar bills.
In America, the rich are hallowed. Even Warren
Buffett, who has largely been drummed out of the club for his radical
ideas about putting his money where his mouth is when it comes to
patriotism, made the front pages when he announced that he had stage-1
prostate cancer. Stage 1, for God's sake! A hundred clinics can fix him
up, and he can put the bill on his American Express black card! But the
press made it sound like the pope's balls had just dropped off and
shattered! Because it was cancer? No! Because it was Warren Buffett, he
of Berkshire-Hathaway!
I guess some of this mad right-wing love comes from
the idea that in America, anyone can become a Rich Guy if he just works
hard and saves his pennies. Mitt Romney has said, in effect, "I'm rich
and I don't apologize for it." Nobody wants you to, Mitt. What some of
us want - those who aren't blinded by a lot of bullshit persiflage
thrown up to mask the idea that rich folks want to keep their damn money
- is for you to acknowledge that you couldn't have made it in America
without America. That you were fortunate enough to be born in a country
where upward mobility is possible (a subject upon which Barack Obama can
speak with the authority of experience), but where the channels making
such upward mobility possible are being increasingly clogged. That it's
not fair to ask the middle class to assume a disproportionate amount of
the tax burden. Not fair? It's un-fucking-American is what it is. I
don't want you to apologize for being rich; I want you to acknowledge
that in America, we all should have to pay our fair share. That our
civics classes never taught us that being American means that - sorry,
kiddies - you're on your own. That those who have received much must be
obligated to pay - not to give, not to "cut a check and shut up," in
Governor Christie's words, but to pay - in the same proportion. That's
called stepping up and not whining about it. That's called patriotism, a
word the Tea Partiers love to throw around as long as it doesn't cost
their beloved rich folks any money.
This has to happen if America is to remain strong and
true to its ideals. It's a practical necessity and a moral imperative.
Last year during the Occupy movement, the conservatives who oppose tax
equality saw the first real ripples of discontent. Their response was
either Marie Antoinette ("Let them eat cake") or Ebenezer Scrooge ("Are
there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?"). Short-sighted, gentlemen.
Very short-sighted. If this situation isn't fairly addressed, last
year's protests will just be the beginning. Scrooge changed his tune
after the ghosts visited him. Marie Antoinette, on the other hand, lost
her head.
Think about it.
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