Hats
are an important first line of defense for your neck-knob and can
prevent cranial leaking, skinful bubbling, and Follicular Screaming
Syndrome. (These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug
Administration and should not be taken as medical advice.)
Hey, kids. Do you like hats? Do you like Donald Trump? Okay, let's all shut up for a minute and pretend you do. If you're the kind of person who likes Donald Trump and has a human head then you're going to want to get in on this hot new product advertised on Trump's Truth Social and shared by reddit user cujokila for the r/ParlerWatch community.
As marketed by PatriotSurging dot com, it's a "Trump 2024 Camo Hat" that's three parts camo, and one part Flags 'n Stuff. And it's absolutely "FREE" to all "Patriots." Made using only the most patriotic grades of plastic and other synthetics, "conservatives have fallen in love" with these hats. "But if the Democrats are successful, you won't be able to find these Trump hats anymore..."
Who could say no to a FREE hat? It only stands to reason that a "Trump 2024 / Take America Back!" hat made from only the finest and most luxurious material these kind of hats are made of would be loved by conservatives—and loathed by Democrats. And this hat could be yours, FREE, thanks to PatriotThrusting dot com.
And by "FREE," what we actually mean is free except for a small $7.95 shipping and handling fee. Those are low fees for shipping a product of this caliber! Your hat will be shipped across the Pacific Ocean in a mostly entirely rodent-free shipping container before being lovingly unpacked by only the most patriotic of North American workers. At only $7.95, there's never been a better bargain. You too can show your support for Donald Trump for the free price of $7.95, plus our low one-month membership fee of $67.32.
We've chosen that one-month membership price for the convenience of you, the customer. It's got a six, and a seven, and a three and a two, allowing number lovers from across the land to enjoy all four digits on their credit card statement. For the low total price of $75.37, you can own this free hat commissioned by an unnamed "patriotic survival company" and sent from PatriotPulsating dot com.
You do want to survive, right? What better way is there to survive than to cover your human head in a camouflaged pattern so that your noggin is less visible to North America's many apex predators? Normal camouflage patterns can be purchased anywhere, but only our product and possibly others like it break up the monotony of camouflage greens and browns with a big ol' honkin picture of the Red, White 'n Blue. Turn your head to one direction to blend into the very fabric of nature; turn it to the other to shout "I am a Trump-supporting patriot and I don't care whether you see me or not."
Imagine the reaction from The Libs when you materialize out of tall plastic office ferns to declare "Trump 2024, Take America Back!" Your coworkers will scream in surprise and know they have been owned. And you can own those Libs time and time again with your free hat for just $75.37.
And by $75.37, we mean that that's your low first-month payment for this luxurious imported patriotic hat. You'll pay just $75.37, plus a low monthly membership fee of $56.95 per month from now until you remember to cancel. If you decide to cancel your membership, we'll provide you with a phone number so that you can speak to one of our agents about your decision to not be a Patriot anymore. If you decide you are still a Patriot after all, you'll continue to enjoy membership in our Consumer Direct Savings store, not affiliated with Donald Trump or the family, campaign, or past sexual partners of Donald Trump. That's a low yearly fee of just $683.40, plus $67.32, plus $7.95, and this free hat can be yours.
You'll also enjoy shopping at our members-only store, where you'll receive a $200 gift card each month to purchase from our "hundreds" of products available at prices you and your fellow patriots literally won't believe. You can wear your free hat as a public sign that you aren't just more patriotic than other Trump voters, you're patriotic enough to pay nearly $700 a year to PatriotSoftlyBouncing dot com, a company that has absolutely no connection to Donald Trump whatsoever. If the Democrats are successful, you won't be able to purchase this hat from our company ever again—so act now, before the Democrats get their way.
Owning Libs through your headwear purchases is all fine and good, but what happens if your prized head-lid gets damaged? Imagine this: You're participating in a patriotic insurrection to install Donald Trump, or possibly Eric Trump or perhaps Tiffany, as the first patriotic god-king of the United States. Things are going well until, out of nowhere, your head intersects in a spacial way with a weaponized, concrete-filled flagpole swung wildly by one of your equally patriotic patriots. Your head looks the same as it always has, at least as far as you know, but what's this? Oh no, your free hat has been damaged!
Less patriotic factory-to-you membership companies might not be able to respond to such events, but we're different. That's why we at PatriotLeaking dot com are offering our Freedom Hat Protection Plan. For an optional add-on fee of $3.99, we'll replace your Freedom Hat if it gets damaged for FREE, charging you only an unspecified shipping and handling fee for the new hat.
That's one-fifth of a bee less than $4.00 to protect an investment of $7.95, plus $67.32, plus $683.40 per year forever. Democrats don't want you to pay that additional fee, but remember: Soon you won't be able to find these Limited Edition Trump Hats anymore, for any price. We won't have any left to ship to you even if you wanted one, unless you pay $3.99 now, in which case we will.
But there's even more at stake here. True patriots know that being able to camouflage their balding neck-knobs might be important, but more important still is showing support for Donald J. Trump and for the Trump Organization and all relevant subsidiary companies. Rest assured, patriot. For the low price of $7.95, plus $67.32, plus $683.40 per year, plus $3.99, you'll enter the elite membership of patriots willing to show their support for Trump 2024, Take America Back! without paying Donald Trump, his companies or his campaign a single cent.
That's right. We here at Interchangeable Shell Company, Ltd aren't the sort of non-patriots who would insult Donald Trump by sending him money. True patriots know that Donald Trump is the most wealthy Patriot in the world, a man in control of billions upon billions of mostly United States dollars. There's nothing the likes of you could do to make him more successful than he already is; he has already achieved peak patriotic success. That's why we at Somewhere Near Panama Holdings, Inc, make sure none of the money from your Trump hat purchase goes to Trump or anything related to Trump.
For the nearly free price of $7.95, plus $67.32, plus $683.40 per year, plus $3.99, you can "prepare yourself and your family to support Trump in 2024" without giving him any of your insulting small change. Few pro-Trump patriots will be able to say the same. Even fewer will have the ability to blend invisibly into office greenery, tall hedges, or your neighbor's rhododendrons.
Now how much would you pay? Unless the Democrats have their way, you don't have to pay a dime for this FREE hat after paying a $7.95 shipping and handling fee, plus $67.32 for your first month's membership in the Not Donald Trump Factory Import Club, plus $683.40 per year in membership fees, plus $3.99 for our Extended Hat Warranty Program.
Act now, because this offer from PatriotHeaving dot com won't last long. It's only a matter of time before Democrats stop EngorgedPatriot dot com from doing business in Your City—unless you love Donald Trump and hats more than we love Donald Trump and hats and—oooooh, you were too late. We're not offering the hats anymore. Now PatriotSurging dot com is offering (1) FREE Tactical Backpack. It seems Patriots have fallen in love with these free Limited Edition Tactical Backpacks. They'd normally cost you in the neighborhood of $200.00, give or take a few bees, but we're offering these Tactical Black Ops Backpacks for FREE if you act now. Prepare to "defend yourself and your family now, before it's too late" with your Free Tactical Black Ops Backpack…
[Editor’s note: This Is Real.]
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