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Okay, if I needed brain surgery, I’d actually let Ben Carson do it before I tried to perform it myself with a mirror and pair of Play-Doh scissors. Sure, I might let the next stylist on deck at Fantastic Sam’s take a stab at it before Carson—if only so the last words I heard weren’t about the Great Pyramid of Giza actually being Pharaoh’s auxiliary Funyuns pantry—but I sure as shit wouldn’t go it alone.
Nor would I act as my own lawyer. Because everyone knows that’s about the dumbest thing you can do.
Meet Pauline Bauer, an alleged Capitol insurrectionist and Trumpaloompa who was dumb enough to follow Donald Trump, dumb enough to believe his lies, and is currently dumb enough to think she can weasel out of a prison sentence by cosplaying as Barry Zuckerkorn while claiming God has made her her own country. Or something like that. I don’t speak dumbfuck, and Google Translate still isn’t up to speed on MAGA-mumbles.
A Pennsylvania woman who allegedly stormed the Capitol and told a police officer to “bring Nancy Pelosi out here now… we want to hang that fucking bitch” has filed court documents claiming to be a divinely empowered entity immune from laws.
Pauline Bauer, a Pennsylvania pizzeria owner, is accused of multiple counts of violent entry, disruptive conduct, and obstruction of Congress after she allegedly broke into the Capitol on Jan. 6. Prosecutors allege that Bauer tried organizing buses to transport people to D.C. for a rally that preceded the riot, and that while in the Capitol rotunda she told police that she wanted to kill House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
I would caution Bauer that murdering Nancy Pelosi is not yet part of the official GOP platform, though if she cools her heels a bit longer, Trump and Paul Gosar could still make that happen.
According to The Daily Beast, Bauer has demanded to represent herself in court and has said she’s a “self-governed individual” who lives outside the law.
Bauer does not simply appear in court, she clarified during a June 11 proceeding via Zoom. “I am here by special divine appearance, a living soul,” she told a judge that day, while stating that she did not want an attorney.
“I do not stand under the law,” she said. “Under Genesis 1, God gave man dominion over the law.”
Okay! Good luck with that. And Captain Kangaroo told me I was a very special boy. Green Jeans confirmed it. Ergo, I will skip to the very front of this frogurt line, thankyouverymuch.
Apparently, Bauer has hitched her wobbly wagon to the sovereign citizen movement, which something-something-something. Apparently, it’s an elaborate Tinker Toy legal edifice that encourages people to believe they’re not part of a society or beholden to any form of government.
I guess all you really need to know about the movement is that it’s tres bonkers, yo.
“Sovereign citizens will often refer to themselves as ‘flesh and blood’ people. They do this because they have this longstanding belief that the government has created artificial versions of them for various nefarious purposes,” Mark Pitcavage, a research fellow at the Anti-Defamation League, told The Daily Beast.
Bauer also filed a document that she claimed “serves as Proof that my living DNA existed on this Land before there was a UNITED STATES of America or Any STATE Thereof.” What does that mean? Well, the document included her family tree, which traced her bloodline back to ancestors born in the colonies before 1776.
But never mind all that. According to evidence from police body cameras, on Jan. 6, Bauer demanded Pelosi and others be surrendered to the Trump Troglodytes crowing for fake justice: “You bring them out or we’re coming in,” she allegedly said, according to transcripts. “Bring them out now. They’re criminals. They need to hang.”
She also allegedly wrote on a since-deleted Facebook account, “I am at the capital and was inside. No [sic] of us are armed just pissed that this is what we have to do to take our country back from communism.”
Now, I don’t need an expert to tell me she’s treading water in hog shit and a deluge is coming, but luckily we do have at our disposal one such expert—i.e., someone whose brain hasn’t been colonized by weevils.
“Their filings and documents, to the layperson, have the look and feel of being actual legal filings, but they’re actually flights of fancy, magical thinking,” Pitcavage told The Daily Beast. “As a result, all their arguments fail. Some judges will take the time to address them issue by issue. Some will more abruptly or harshly dismiss them as gobbledegook.”
Hmm. Sounds like Bauer has a lot in common with her ocher overlord after all.
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