Christie urges media to focus on weight
January 9, 2014
TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—New
Jersey Governor Chris Christie lashed out at the media today, saying
that it had “failed to focus on the single most important issue
regarding me, which is my weight.” At a press conference in Trenton, Christie yelled at a room
full of reporters, accusing them of doing the public a disservice by not
devoting all of their coverage of him to the issue of his body mass. “How much I’ve weighed in the past, how much I weigh now, and
how much I’m eating—that’s all you clowns should be writing about,” he
yelled. “Anything else is just a distraction.” Adopting a threatening tone, Christie
told the reporters, “If you know what’s good for you, your next story
will be about how tubby I am.” The governor made only one reference to the notorious
bridge-closing scandal, offering this alibi: “At the time that decision
was made, I was busy shouting at a teacher.”
Photograph by Mel Evans/AP.
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