Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Mitt's Magic Mormon Underwear

By Brandt Hardin
The 2012 Presidential Election is festering up to potentially be the dirtiest political race in the history of the United States.  More money brings more problems and LOTS of mud to sling.  Much has changed since the 2008 election as The Supreme Court has since ruled in favor of corporations being able to anonymously funnel an unlimited amount of money to their chosen candidate.  Of course, money isn't the ONLY factor in deciding a popular election, but it's increasing the deciding factor. 

Fortunately for Republican nominee Mitt Romney, he certainly has no shortage of funds and is also protected by his Magic Mormon Underwear.  These sacred garments are worn by folks of Mormon persuasion day and night to safeguard against the evils of the world including liberals, terrorists, homosexuals and poor people who would hope to see the downfall of a rich elitist such as himself.

Inks on Bristol / 2012
In the end, Romney is banking on the power of his temple garments and God Almighty to make it rain enough fluid cash to wash away the Obamanation and usher in the dawning of a new conservative era.  The Republican Party hopes a Romney win will course-correct President Obama's attempts at narrowing the wealth gap in our country, leaving men like Romney as the ruling class.  Money walks, money talks and money buys elections in our brave new world.  This man was chosen for the divine path to the White House because he's undeniably filthy rich.

Just how much money does Mitt have?  According to USA Today, if one takes the combined wealth of the past 8 U.S. Presidents and doubles it... that is Romney's net worth.  If elected, he will be the richest man to ever occupy the Oval Office.

How much does money truly factor in to which party gets elected these days?  In 2004, 98% of House Seats and 88% of Senate Seats were awarded to the candidate who spent the most money.  In 2006, the same held true for 94% of House and 73% of Senate seats as well as 93% of House and 94 % of Senate seats in 2008.  These are
staggering numbers, which really tell the tale of how cash affects the outcome of voting.  Of course, in 2008, Obama had a 2 to 1 monetary advantage over McCain.  It is clear why Republicans nominated the wealthiest candidate they could find...

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