Comedian Bill Maher explains why California is thriving. (photo: HBO)
28 September 13
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Rule: Conservatives who love to brag about American exceptionalism must
come here to California, and see it in person. And then they should be
afraid -- very afraid. Because while the rest of the country is beset by
stories of right-wing takeovers in places like North Carolina, Texas
and Wisconsin, California is going in the opposite direction and
creating the kind of modern, liberal nation the country as a whole can
only dream about. And not only can't the rest of the country stop us --
we're going to drag you along with us.
It wasn't that long ago that pundits were calling
California a failed state and saying it was ungovernable. But in 2010,
when other states were busy electing whatever Tea Partier claimed to
hate government the most, we elected a guy who actually liked it, Jerry
Brown.
Since then, everything Republicans say can't or won't
work -- gun control, immigration reform, high-speed rail -- California
is making work. And everything conservatives claim will unravel the
fabric of our society -- universal healthcare, higher taxes on the rich,
gay marriage, medical marijuana -- has only made California stronger.
And all we had to do to accomplish that was vote out every single
Republican. Without a Republican governor and without a legislature
being cock-blocked by Republicans, a $27 billion deficit was turned into
a surplus, continuing the proud American tradition of Republicans
blowing a huge hole in the budget and then Democrats coming in and
cleaning it up.
How was Governor Moonbeam able to do this? It's amazing, really.
We
did something economists call cutting spending AND raising taxes. I
know, it sounds like some crazy science fiction story, but you see, here
in California, we're not just gluten-free and soy-free and peanut-free,
we're Tea Party free! Virginia could do it, too, but they're too busy
forcing ultrasounds on women who want abortions. Texas could, but they
don't because they're too busy putting Jesus in the science textbooks.
Meanwhile their state is so broke they want to replace paved roads with
gravel. I thought we had this road-paving thing licked in the 1930s, but
not in Texas. But hey, in Dallas you can carry a rifle into a Chuck E.
Cheese, cause that's freedom. Which is great, but it wasn't so great
when that unregulated fertilizer plant in Waco blew up. In California,
when things blow up, it's because we're making a Jason Statham movie.
California isn't perfect, but it is in our nature from
being on the new coast to be up for trying new things -- and maybe
that's why the right wingers are always hoping we fail. On the campaign
trail last year, Mitt Romney warned that if we didn't follow his
conservative path, "America is going to become like Greece, or... Spain,
or Italy, or... California." And that was a big laugh line with
Mormons, because Greece, Spain and Italy have some art and poetry and
theatre, but nothing like Salt Lake City. Yes, Mitt sure hates
California, which is why he moved to San Diego. To the house with the
car elevator.
What conservatives fear about California being a petri
dish for the liberal agenda is well-founded. For example, as Obamacare
gets implemented here much more successfully than predicted, the
movement to just go all the way to a single payer system is gathering
steam. It actually passed the legislature twice, but was vetoed by
Schwarzenegger, who argued it didn't go far enough to cover the children
of that natural, beautiful love between a man and a cleaning lady.
In lots of areas, California seems to have decided not
to wait around for the knuckle-draggers and the selfish libertarian
states to get on board. They can mock "European style democracies" all
they want, we are building one here, and people like it -- the same way
when Americans come back from a vacation in Europe they all say the same
thing: "Wow, you can see titties on the beach!" But they also remark on
the clean air, the modern, first world infrastructure, the functioning
social safety net, and bread that doesn't taste like powdered glue. And
they wonder, "Why can't we get that here?" Unless they're Republicans,
in which case they wonder, "How can people live like that?"
Well, swallow hard, guys, because California is
eventually going to make all Americans live like that. Why? Because
we're huge. The 12th largest economy in the world, the fifth largest
agricultural exporter in the world, and of course number one in laser
vaginal rejuvenation. There's 40 million of us -- so, for example, when
California set a high mileage standard for any car sold in this state,
Detroit had to make more fuel-efficient cars; we're just too big a slice
of the market, and it would be too expensive to make one car for us,
and another for shit-kickers who want something that runs on coal.
It's so ironic -- the two things conservatives love
the most, the free market and states rights -- are the two things that
are going to bend this country into California's image as a socialist
fagtopia. Maybe our constipated Congress can't pass gun control laws,
but we just did. Lots of 'em. Because we don't give a shit about the
NRA. Out here that stands for "Nuts, Racists, and Assholes." So while
the rest of America is debating whether it's a good idea to allow guns
in bars or a great idea to allow guns in bars, California is about to
ban lead bullets. Which is a no-brainer, because bullets don't need
lead, and lead kills birds and gets into the food supply of people who
hunt their own food. Which explains why Ted Nugent is such a raving
lunatic.
While other state governments are working with Jesus
to make abortion more miserable -- because otherwise women would use it
for weight loss -- California is making it easier. We actually have a
guy dancing on the street corner dressed as the Statue of Liberty
spinning a big arrow that says, "Abortions!" And a new law will even let
nurse practitioners perform abortions. And dog groomers can aid
assisted suicides by Skype.
California was the first state to legalize medical
marijuana, our minimum wage is almost three dollars higher than the
national rate, and in 10 years a third of our electricity will come from
renewable energy and 15 percent of our cars will be electric.
And while Republicans in the rest of the country are
threatening to deport every immigrant not named Ted Cruz, California
just OK'd driver's licenses for undocumented aliens. That's right, we're
letting them drive cars -- just like white people! You Red Staters may
ask, "How come they're lettin' Meskins drive?" Well, it's because they
have to get to their jobs. You see, here in California we're embracing
the modern world -- we can't be worrying about all the nonsense that
keeps Fox News viewers up at night when they should be in bed adjusting
their sleep apnea mask. Our state motto is, "We're Too Busy for Your
Bullshit."
The bottom line is that we are moving the country's
largest economy into a place where we can all be health-insured, clean
air-breathin', gay-married, immigrant-friendly citizens who don't get
shot all the time. And my message to the rest of America is: do not
resist. Kneel before Zod! California has been setting the trends in
America for decades, from Silicon Valley to silicone tits, and it's not
going to stop now. We say jump -- you say, "Please sell me new exercise
clothes for jumping." We said put cilantro in food, and dammit, you did,
you put cilantro in food, even though neither one of us knows what it
is. Almond milk? We just had some extra almonds and thought we'd fuck
with you. The enormous earlobe hole? You're welcome. We also invented
the genius bar, where the kid with the enormous earlobe hole takes your
MacBook in the back and fills it with animal pornography.
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