Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Borowitz reports from GOP convention

Disturbed Man Gets Past Convention Security, Gives Keynote Address


By Andy Borowitz
TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—A mentally unhinged man slipped past security at the Republican National Convention last night and delivered a keynote address before he was subdued.

The man ranted incoherently on a variety of subjects, frightening many in the national television audience as security officials plotted their next move.

“We thought if we let him blow off some steam, maybe he would go quietly,” said the security spokesman Harland Dorrinson. “But he just kept shouting. I thought he was going to chew someone’s face off.”

After the man was subdued with a tranquilizer dart, Presidential nominee Mitt Romney said, “I hope he gets the help he needs,” adding, “Having said that, I’m going to repeal Obamacare on Day One.”

The entire incident has left the security staff “on edge,” Mr. Dorrinson said.

“A crazed individual breaking in and giving a nationally televised speech is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing,” he said. “But it could happen again tonight.”

Photograph by Chris Maddaloni/CQ Roll Call/Getty Images.

Romney Hailed as Regular Guy by Woman with Horse in Olympics


By Andy Borowitz
TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—On the opening night of the 2012 Republican National Convention, the Presidential nominee Mitt Romney received fulsome praise for being a “regular, down-to-earth guy” from his wife, Ann, whose dressage horse, Rafalca, competed in the London Olympics.

“Mitt has never let his success go to his head,” Mrs. Romney said. “Take away the seven-thousand-square-foot house in La Jolla and the bank account in the Caymans, he’s still the same fun-loving boy who pinned a gay kid to the ground and cut off his hair.”

Mrs. Romney adopted an intimate tone as she attempted to describe “the Mitt only I know.”

“Every now and then, Mitt will give me this devilish smile of his, and I know that can only mean one thing,” she said, flushing slightly. “He just fired someone.”

In a small flub that many delegates found endearing, Mrs. Romney said, “Mitt Romney is like you or me—he puts his pants on one leg at a time. Oh, wait. He has a fellow who does that for him. My bad.”

But the nominee’s wife brought the convention audience to its feet with her closing endorsement of her husband: “I promise you that if you elect Mitt President of the United States, he will never give less than thirteen per cent.” 

Photograph by Spencer Platt/Getty Images.

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