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On Friday, Donald Trump posted a fan-made tribute video, “GOD MADE TRUMP”. (The link goes to Truth Social. If you do not want to give them traffic numbers, a complete transcription follows.) To call this book-licking hagiography ‘bizarre’ would be a kindness. In truth, it is a glimpse into the mind of a zealot who has sacrificed their sanity on the cult’s altar.
(Although it is so sycophantic, I would not be surprised if some reader tells me I, and Trump, have fallen for a parody. The ass-kissing would make Charles Dickens’ Uriah Heep blush.)
The video, which uses the language and form of Paul Harvey’s Salute to Farmers, starts with an image of an old-time stylus crackling as it tracks an LP (a cultural nod to the average age of a MAGA). The voiceover intones:
“On June 14, 1946, God looked down on his planned paradise and said: ‘I need a caretaker.’ So God gave us Trump. God said I need someone willing to get up before dawn. Fix this country. Work all day. Fight the Marxists. Eat supper. Then go to the Oval Office and stay past midnight at a meeting of the heads of state. So God made Trump.
Let us start with what the video gets right. Trump does not sleep much. And he does eat a lot. The rest is fiction. Watching TV is not working. Trump used the Oval Office solely for photo ops. He was never there at night. And, I will give 100 rubles ($1.10) to anyone with proof there was a meeting of heads of state in the early AM.
It gets worse.
“I need someone with arms strong enough to rustle the Deep State. And yet gentle enough to deliver his own grandchild.”
Oh please! The only baby Trump could be suspected of delivering is Rosemary’s — and that would have been over the phone from a golf course or a pornstar’s hotel room.
The video continues the absurdist fantasy by presenting Satan’s obstetrician — a legally adjudged rapist and self-declared pussy-grabber — as a man who respects women. Dear God, please make it stop. I can also assure you that this Northern-born, outer-borough New Yorker has never said, “Come back real soon.”
"Someone to ruffle the feathers. Tame cantankerous World Economic Forum. Come home hungry. Have to wait until the First Lady is done with lunch with friends. Then be sure to tell the ladies to come back real soon. And mean it. So God gave us Trump."
Next up, the video presents Trump as a steel-spined, sword-waving blacksmith who knows how to run a business, understands economics, and does not have time for golf.
"I need somebody who can shape an ax. But wield a sword. Who had the courage to step foot in North Korea. Who can make money from the tar of the sand. Turn liquid to gold. Who understands the difference between tariffs and inflation. Will finish his 40-hour week by Tuesday noon. But then put in another 72 hours. So God made Trump."
The fairy tale continues with some biblical language, because that is the preferred vocabulary of the religiously demented — the intended demographic for this deranged, deep dive into delusion.
"God had to have someone willing to go into the den of vipers. Call out the fake news for their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s. The poison of vipers is on their lips. And yet stop. So God made Trump."
The religious imagery continues as the narrator celebrates the Lord of the Sheeple. Mind you, the comparison to a pastor is apt. There is no daylight between the megachurch con artists, who fleece their flocks while doing nothing for them in return, and Trump, the collector of MAGA donations dedicated solely to his own financial needs.
"God said, “I will need someone who will be strong and courageous. Who will not be afraid or terrified of the wolves when they attack. A man who cares for the flock. A shepherd to mankind who won’t ever leave or forsake them. I need the most diligent worker to follow the path and remain strong in faith. And know the belief in God and country."
Next comes some political boilerplate celebrating the candidate’s prowess at energy independence, job creation, and national security. No news there — they all do that. However, the narrator loses the plot with the howler that Trump is a church-goer.
"Somebody who is willing to drill. Bring back manufacturing and American jobs. Farms the lands. Secure our borders. Build our military. Fight the system all day. And finish a hard week's work by attending church on Sunday."
At this point, the viewer — at least one who has not lost their mind — will think it cannot get more ludicrous. It does.
"And then his oldest son turns and says, “Dad, let’s make America great again. Dad, let’s build a country to be the envy of the world again. So God made Trump."
There is no way that Trump would give anyone, including his namesake scion, any credit for anything. MAGA was a Reagan creation. "Let's make America great again" was a slogan from his 1980 campaign. But, if you ask Trump, he will insist it was his idea. Why not? You could convince MAGAs he invented sliced bread.
Which makes me wonder why the video did not claim Trump did.
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