By Hunter for Daily Kos
Daily Kos Staff
A few weeks back, we heard the unnerving news that America's newest military branch, the U.S. Space Force, was still struggling to define a mission for itself after three years of existence. This is generally not what anyone wants to hear from a group with large-scale military capabilities; when military generals start wondering what the scope of their own missions might be, they historically tend to conclude that their mission should involve a more proactive approach to blowing things up.
Put more bluntly: The growing frustration of Space Force generals trying to imagine larger and better-defined military roles for themselves is only going to lead to trouble, and we'd better come up with a Midnight Basketball program for troubled three-star and four-star generals real quick here if we want to avoid being cut off from our whole solar system due to sudden-onset Kessler syndrome.
That, then, is the newest possible existential crisis facing the country. It largely flew under the national radar, though, because a far more existential crisis cropped up at the same time, and when it comes to which of those existential crises is the newsier, more attention-grabbing version, there's simply no question.
I am speaking, of course, of the coming mermaid wars.
Rolling Stone gives us a brief transcription, and bless ‘em for it.
“I have never seen more images of more mermaids and water people in my life,” (Prophetess Amanda) Grace told the crowd, elaborating that these aquatic forces are “a division in the kingdom of darkness.” Underscoring the danger, Grace insisted that that these mer-people are “highly technologically advanced.”“We have to understand the rules of engagement in spiritual warfare. And we are meant for hand to hand combat,” Grace instructed. “We are meant to bring our cries before the throne of God to bring judgment on the rulers of darkness of this world,” she added. “Because the rulers have set up a throne in this nation.”
Before you scoff, know that Amanda Grace is a prophet, because she says so, and she and other pro-Trump "religious" leaders had a whole lot more prophecies on hand, most of them revolving around Donald Trump acting as an instrument of God to smite conservatism's enemies, whether they be globalists or demons or mermaids. Grace cites God Himself as the source of her evidence of highly technology advanced "water people," so there you go. It's not like she's just linking to Wikipedia or Instagram for this one: God is giving the warning.
So now we have two existential threats on our hands. The first is that the generals of the Space Force are growing irritable about the hazy goals of their mission. The second is that highly advanced mermaids are coming to kick our—well, not kick, really, being mermaids—are coming to destroy us all, possibly through Met Gala fashion choices.
An unintelligent member of the public may only see two simultaneous crises. An intelligent person, however, is more likely to see opportunity. Taken together, the two problems solve each other.
If the Space Force needs a mission more engaging than their current one, whatever it is, all we need to do is task them with eliminating the mermaids.
The plan is almost self-evident in its simplicity. We are dealing here with "water people" who are "highly technologically advanced." There is no more advanced military force than the U.S. Space Force. A dullard might consider it the job of the Navy to wage war on the water people, but that would literally be meeting the mermaids on their own turf; the Navy is the branch of our armed services most in danger in a confrontation with mermaids. The Air Force can simply fly over the mermaid armies, dropping bombs unimpeded and turning the ocean into an unpleasantly tinted mermaid stew. The Army and Marines, if faced with a mermaid attack, can simply walk a few hundred feet inland and pick off each flopping fishtailed attacker as they try to heave themselves out of the surf.
But the Space Force? The Space Force is best-equipped of all to defend against the mermaid menace. The Space Force's primary assets are all in orbit, about as far from the mermaid danger zone as it is possible to get. And, to our knowledge, no matter how technologically advanced the hostile "water people" may currently be, there is no evidence they have a presence in space.
That, then, can be the new Space Force mission. To protect the United States from mermaids, technologically advanced or otherwise; to deprive them of any orbital presence which might threaten the country; to undertake worldwide satellite espionage looking and listening for mermaids so they can provide the earliest possible warning of real-life mermaid attacks. The Pentagon's annual budget is now in the neighborhood of a trillion dollars per year; spending a hundred billion or so to fight off the mermaid menace would be a small price to pay to keep Space Force generals content and their fingers on buttons that target the mid-Atlantic rather than anything on dry land.
It is impossible to come up with any argument against this plan. It furthermore will allow the Space Force to credit itself with complete success, both now and for the foreseeable future. So long as the mermaids do not establish an orbital presence, Space Force generals can boast that they have a 100% mission success rate. As long as the mermaids confine their assaults to Met Gala fashion and the occasional children's movie, Space Force can brag that the nation remains safe.
The biggest danger may instead be that the Space Force gets too big for its camouflaged Space Britches, and begins lording their mission success over the Navy, which has existed in this country since 1775 but apparently has failed to contain the mermaid menace, if Amanda Grace and her holy sources are to be believed. The resulting rivalry between the two military branches could get downright unpleasant at some future date—but that is for future America to worry about.
Present-day America simply needs something for the Space Force to do. Something that will keep the generals off the streets and out of the pool halls. Oh—and we have to defeat the mermaids, of course. This is a real mission, not something we just pulled out of a hat.
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