Thursday, January 7, 2016

Trump Has Allowed Pundits to Revive the Great Penis Chase of the 1990s

Bill Clinton. (photo: Getty Images)
Bill Clinton. (photo: Getty Images)

By Charles Pierce, Esquire
03 January 16 
The Washington Post seems especially keen.

t the Café, even as we prepare for the big New Year's Rockin' Eve bash, loading up the old jukebox with tunes from Three Dog Night and Hawkwind (in honor of Lemmy), we're still open for business. And a good thing, too, because the last minute takeout orders nearly broke us today.

Guess what's back in the news? You'll never guess. 

It's Bill Clinton's penis! 

Because the national news media will jump at everything that proceeds from the mouth of the vulgar talking yam currently leading the Republican presidential field, everybody has decided to relive the formative experience of their young pundit lives—the Great Penis Chase of the 1990's. There are a number of excuses given for this: 1) Donald Trump mentioned it; 2) Bill Cosby; 3) Hillary Rodham Clinton's feminism; 4) Donald Trump mentioned it, and 5) Donald Trump, you know, mentioned it.

Ruth Marcus, scourge of teenaged potty-mouths everywhere, has weighed in:
Well, Bill Clinton has a penchant for something. He had a successful presidency—with an ugly blot. "Sexism" isn't the precise word for his predatory behavior toward women or his inexcusable relationship with a 22-year-old intern. Yet in the larger scheme of things, Bill Clinton's conduct toward women is far worse than any of the offensive things that Trump has said.
Is it worse than any of the offensive things toward women that Trump allegedly has done? Inquiring minds want to know.

But the real speciality du jour was delivered to Glenn Kessler, the Washington Post's fact-checker, who ran through an entire New Year's Eve marathon as though he were the SyFy Channel and Bill Clinton were The Twilight Zone. I confess a certain fondness for a "fact-checker" who provides us with a guide to "allegations." The further you read down in the piece, the foggier the facts of it get, until you get to this passage right here:
Peter Baker, in "The Breach," the definitive account of the impeachment saga, reported that House investigators later found in the files of the independent prosecutor that Jones's lawyers had collected the names of 21 different women they suspected had had a sexual relationship with Clinton. Baker described the files as "wild allegations, sometimes based on nothing more than hearsay claims of third-party witnesses." But there were some allegations (page 138) that suggested unwelcome advances: "One woman was alleged to have been asked by Clinton to give him oral sex in a car while he was the state attorney general (a claim she denied). A former Arkansas state employee said that during a presentation, then-Governor Clinton walked behind her and rubbed his pelvis up against her repeatedly. A woman identified as a third cousin of Clinton's supposedly told her drug counselor during treatment in Arkansas that she was abused by Clinton when she was baby-sitting at the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock." 
Even the author quoted by the fact-checker calls these "wild allegations, sometimes based on nothing more than hearsay claims of third-party witnesses." (It was a strange time, kids. Ask your folks.) Nonetheless, we quickly get to, "But…" and that "but" is doing a lot of heavy lifting by the end of the paragraph. I also note the lack of Pinocchios awarded to He, Trump as regards to the tweet that touched this whole thing off.

If only there had been someone who warned us all this was coming, we might have been prepared.
It would be a capital mistake to believe that Ms. Clinton's years as a senator, and as a presidential candidate, and as secretary of state—to say nothing of the postpresidential popularity of her husband—have somehow put all the ghosts of the 1990s to rest. The political climate is even wilder now, the political conversation, in many quarters, even further detached from reality than it was when Rush Limbaugh openly passed along a report that Vince Foster had died in some Washington pied-à-terre, only to have his body moved to Fort Marcy Park. There are thousands of little Limbaughs now, on the radio and on the Internet. A lot of mainstream political journalism is being practiced by young people whose formative lessons in the business were not Woodward and Bernstein chasing down lead after futile lead, but rather Matt Drudge ruling the world in the 1990s, with all the elite press chasing after him. I would like to believe we all have learned as much as we've needed to learn from that incredible decade of enabled slander. I also would like to believe in unicorns.
Gotta get back to the kitchen now. Tonight's gonna be a zoo.


+26 # Billy Bob 2016-01-03 13:59
A friend of a friend wrote a song about this a few years ago (when Jr. was still in the White House). It sums up the logic perfectly:

Here's the lyrics (don't blame me for the vulgarity. It's a necessary fact of understanding the logic behind "blowing" this into an issue, and they're not my lyrics):

+54 # Billy Bob 2016-01-03 14:00
Lyrics to Clinton Got A Blowjob by Eric Schwartz:

George Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
Clinton got a blowjob
Even if it was the deception and not the suction
Clinton got a blowjob

What's worse...startin g a war
Or keeping your Cohibas in a human humidor.
Who got impeached? And what for?
Oh right...Clinton got a blowjob

George Bush vacationed while New Orleans drowned
Clinton got a blowjob.
Sat in a classroom with the towers falling down
Clinton got a blowjob

He fucked up F.E.M.A
Which fucked up Katrina
Not to mention the Conventions of Geneva
With twenty-four civilians murdered in Haditha
Clinton got a blowjob

How can a man without a brain
Cause a nation so much pain
Cause a world to feel such hate
For these so-called United States
And how could the congress help but act
In the face of every fact I have presented here
The comparison couldn't be more clear

+47 # Billy Bob 2016-01-03 14:01

Bush authorized leaks of classified information
Clinton Got A Blowjob
To make the case for attacking sovereign nation
Clinton Got A Blowjob

Guantanamo, Downing Street, electro-shock on Iraqi feet
Makes that blue dress seem so sweet
Clinton got a blowjob?

Bush funds sex ed that says that condoms don't work.
Clinton got a blowjob.
If they didn't, both your daughters would be pregnant, you jerk
Clinton got a blowjob.

Bush lied about his bust for driving drunk
Clinton's biggest crime was having spunk
And for choosing a statue less than statuesque
And setting her on display under the oval office desk

Stem-Cell Research, Abstinence, Global Warming, Missile Defense,
Goin' AWOL from the National Guard, find some some more, it' not that hard.
Jack Abramoff, Valerie Plame, Al Qaeda's links to Saddam Hussein
Abu Ghraib, Kenneth Lay, our record deficit today
You Wiretapping Info-Leaking-Waterboarding-Power-hoarding
Rights-destroying Christ-Deployin g Load of Scat in a Stetson Hat

I'll do my part, I'll play the pawn
If that what it takes to get you gone
I'm my Knees, Dubya, BRING IT ON.
Here's your fucking Blowjob
+38 # Farafalla 2016-01-03 19:24
excellent and therapeutic.
+14 # RNLDaWy 2016-01-03 19:38
Sounds of today's corporately owned and cooked media ..
+18 # dandevries 2016-01-03 19:49
I hope this masterwork has been recorded somewhere!
+15 # Billy Bob 2016-01-03 21:22
I think he still performs it publicly at gigs and it's a huge crowd pleaser. I don't know about CDs. Like I said, he's a friend of a friend. I never met him. From what I understand, he's a pretty talented guy, and obviously hilarious. Also, the YouTube videos are pretty popular.
-70 # Anonymot 2016-01-03 18:38
What has never been discussed is whether Bill has always had a high level of testosterone or whether his wife abandoned him for a life with girls. If, as is common rumor in Washington circles it's the latter, then his drive would have to go somewhere, which it did from the time he was young in Arkansas.
+72 # Billy Bob 2016-01-03 19:26
Another aspect of all of this that's never been discussed enough, is whether or not this was ever anybody's business.
+4 # Dave_s Not Here 2016-01-03 19:41
Had to have been, at least, Hillary's business.
+36 # Billy Bob 2016-01-03 21:24
Still not ours, or Henry Hyde's, or Newt Gingrich's, or Rush Limbaugh's, or Ann Coulter's, or any of the other self-righteous hypocritical Republicans' who used it to hijack an entire decade and make damn sure Clinton didn't get much else accomplished (besides beating the hell out of them in elections, while, mostly, acting like Republican-lite ).
+13 # warrior woman 2016-01-04 06:13
And they themselves who also had affairs
+10 # Billy Bob 2016-01-04 08:42
Exactly. I mentioned those names for a reason. There were others too, whose names just didn't occur to me, like Dennis Hastert. Republicans have the exclusive right to privacy when it comes to their affairs.

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