Not afraid of flying, just of weird passengers

This week, a passenger looked at me oddly when I asked what he would like to drink. It was a bit worrisome since it’s not a particularly odd question to be asked while you’re flying and a person in an ugly navy uniform is standing by a rolling cart with cups and ice and bottles of water stacked on top.

Come to find out, he misunderstood (I prefer mislistened but the computer’s spell check gives that a red line which is, in it’s own way, also worrisome, and I don’t know about you but I’m not really needing any more worries) and thought I said, “Would you like to think?” He didn’t need to think because he already knew he wanted tomato juice, but his look made me think of all the times I’ve had the same (more or less) expression when asked a question.

It seems odd I’ve never done a column on the weird things passengers request because there’s ever so many. Drinks, especially. At my airline, the last page of the inflight magazine lists all the food and beverage options. Not everyone reads the magazine though, and even those who do seldom check out the last page. My life would be a bit easier if we’d move the last page to the front, or maybe even on the cover. We could include a warning even: something like “Read this before asking what have you got to drink.”

I kinda doubt it would make much difference, though. Restaurants list the beverages available (quick, raise your hand if you knew that) and most everyone still asks the waitress for a Coke without checking to see if Pepsi is the only cola served. “I’ll have a Coke; do you have Coke; you don’t have Coke?” Imagine answering that many, many times a day and adding in “Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Sprite, Diet Sprite, Ginger Ale and Club Soda” as an answer to the follow up, “Well then, what do you have?”

Odd soda requests (odd for me, obviously not for the passenger) have been Squirt, Mountain Dew, Yoohoo, Code Red and something Breeze. If I can figure out what category the requested drinks fits, I’ll offer what I have that’s sorta the same. “No, I’m sorry I don’t have Squirt but I do have Sprite.”

I do the same thing with juices, except I just run through the entire list. When asked for grape, pineapple, grapefruit, guava (I think that was what they said, accent was pretty strong) I reply with, “No, I’m sorry, but I do have orange, apple, cranapple and tomato.”

The cocktail drinkers are even more of a challenge for me since I’ve never worked in a bar, seldom went to bars (too smoky/noisy) and don’t have a social network that discusses the latest drink fads. I expect passengers to realize an airplane has limited space for supplies, but am often disappointed when they believe they have a choice in, oh say, rums. I’m sure most bars have more than one brand, but most bars don’t have really uncomfortable seats, little round windows and floors that vibrate.

“Do you have Captain Morgan?” is a weird question to ask on an airplane (especially at 9 a.m. but it’s wrong to judge). Now, “Do you know Captain Morgan?” works. Either way, the answer is no. “I’ll have a Ketel One on the rocks” may be a great way to impress a bartender but I didn’t have a clue what it meant. The rocks part was at least a clue that he wanted some type of alcohol (no one orders a Ginger Ale on the rocks) so I replied, “I don’t know what that is but I’m sure I don’t have it.” I now know it’s vodka because he asked what kind of vodka I had and I told him white and he agreed to have a white vodka on the rocks (love passengers with a sense of humor).

Babies also bring up weird requests – not the babies themselves, of course, because they can’t ask for stuff although it’s pretty funny to ask the parent what they’d like and watch them turn to the not-yet talking child and ask them. We don’t have diapers, formula, or milk. We don’t have a refrigerator to store breast milk (weird question plus too much information) and there’s no microwave to heat baby food.

Company policy bans cooking any food except the first class meals and our own food if it’s in a company approved container. Besides, cooking passenger’s food would be weird, don’t you think? Would we turn the galley into a break room where everyone lined up for their turn at the oven? Or, would the flight attendants be expected to cook on demand, keeping track of the ribs in oven one while warming the pizza in oven two?

I’m not able to include most of the non-food weird questions because some of the most bizarre were personal and not just the “So, do you fly often?” and, “Are you a member of the mile high club?” lines that must come from The Losers Guide to Losing. I can end with an easily answered one, though.

“Are you afraid of flying?”

“Ummm. No.” Just weird passengers.